Moonlight Agenda (Raven x Starfire Raestar Yuri)
by AbiRainicorn
Summary: Starfire's relentless questions leave Raven with more of her own. Ongoing Raven x Starfire Yuri fic, loaded with smut, lemons, heavy build-up, flashbacks, fluff, etc. Takes place in Trouble in Tokyo. Lemon/Lime/Smut/Fluff/Yuri. Strong language. Implied Beast Boy x Robin, but not many actual encounters.
1. Chapter 1- Dysphoria

3rd POV-

Robin had finished his lecture, and all of the teens were dismissed to their rooms. Beast Boy and Cyborg, however, gravitated towards the couch, muttering something about video games, and unsurprisingly clicked on the television and began hollering while the sound of animated guns shots and video game characters screaming filled the room.

Starfire floats off happily, blabbering on about some sort of Tamaranian thing to Robin, completely oblivious to the fact that he's not listening, as they travel down the hall. Raven pitter-pattered her way to the kitchen, filling her kettle and picking out a bag of tea. Earl Grey sounds really good after the day she's had.

She takes her tea back to her room, the feeling of the warm mug on her palms comforting her sore hands. She shuffles to the door, flicking on the light switch and closing her door behind her. Finally she has some time alone. She sips, using her powers to hold a book in front of her tired eyes, and settles in, soaking in the words from the pages blissfully.

The teens were finally able to relax, as they were given time off from crime-fighting for awhile. They'd decided on a trip to Tokyo, something Raven is particularly looking forward to, and they'd be leaving in a few days, so Raven made a priority out of learning everything that there is to know about the culture. This time, she researched famous destinations, making note of the ones she'll visit.

The hotel has been booked; it's a small, yet classy one in the heart of the city, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. Raven hopes that she'll be the one to sleep alone, but Starfire is unlikely to sleep in the same room as a boy, so it seems she would be out of luck. There's a small kitchen, however, and a miniature living room in between the kitchen and the rooms.

Everyone was packing eagerly, as they are scheduled to depart early morning on the day after tomorrow. Raven has already started packing, her suitcases filled to the brim with a combination of books, clothing, cosmetic products, insence... Normal Raven-y things. The others aren't likely to pack much, other than Starfire, perhaps, so hopefully Raven would be allowed on the plane with all of that luggage.

Raven eventually nods off, curled in a cute little heap atop her blankets, still wearing her cloak, the hood pulled over her head. The boys eventually retire to their rooms also, and Starfire ultimately decides to sleep before the big day, too, her pet worm curled up beside her.

The next morning, Raven awakens considerably earlier than the rest, and she washes out her tea mug and refills it with a new Teavanna brew, Youthberry, in which she's taken a liking to, and sits on the tower's sectional until the others are woken by their alarms and ready to head out.

It's still dark outside, and Raven peers over to the TV console, legs crossed, and reads the lit characters... 5:13 A.M. The boys and Starfire should be up by six. Raven sips her tea, the familiar taste evoking comfort in the depths of her churning mind. Opportunities like these don't present themselves often at all when your job requires constant preparation, so she organizes the seemingly endless amounts of things she'll cram into this trip.

And then, when she thinks she'll have some time to herself, Robin comes marching into the main room, shamelessly calling out for the others to wake up, to which Starfire comes happily flying out of her room and the two boys groan in protest, much to Raven's frustration. _Can't a girl just have some alone time for once?_

By the time that 6:00 A.M. actually rolls around, disheveled teens are scattered about the tower, their exhausted bodies heaving their luggage around, waiting for it to actually be time to leave for Tokyo. However, one of the adolescents is anything but tired, and, in fact, adopts an aura of anxiousness and anticipation, to which Raven can conclude has nothing to do with their trip. It's so obvious to Raven that there's something on her mind, and being empathic, she makes damn sure she finds out what that is and fixes it before anything can go awry.

But first, Raven checks around her royal blue-painted room for any items that have gone unnoticed in her rush to prepare. Nothing in her dressers, nothing in her bathroom, nothing in her closet.

"Thirty Minutes!" Robin's authoritative voice bellows throughout the tower walls. He's their leader and all, but Raven secretly resents the fact that he assumes power over everyone. _Well, he is trying to protect us. _But is it necessary for him to monitor every single thing that the teens do? Much of his "work" appears unnecessary for professional matters, but are much more likely due to his own obsession with being better than everyone and making sure that they know it. And neuroticism, Raven assumes.

Heaving the bag to her door, Raven mulls over what she'd packed for one last time, and reaching her ash-grey hand to the door, she can sense someone behind it. Starfire, of course. She opens the door slowly, so as not to startle Starfire, and to the naive girl's surprise, Raven retains her expressionless face as their eyes meet, as she'd been expecting Raven to be just as startled as she was. She flinched a bit as Raven shut the door and gazed at her panicked friend expectantly.

"What is it, Star?" Starfire bites her lip nervously, peering down at her feet and clasping her hands together.

"Friend Raven, you speak the Japanese language, am I correct?" Her usually bubbly, excited voice is infested with nervousness and embarrassment. Raven quickly became irritated. _This is a complete waste of time._

"Uh, yes, that's right. Why?" Starfire looked Raven in the eyes, her emerald orbs glowing and fearful. Raven furrows her brows, sensing for other people around. There aren't, and Raven isn't sure if she should be grateful or worried at that fact.

"Well," Starfire cleared her throat, "I would wish for you to teach me, Friend Raven." _What the hell is this? _Raven crosses her arms and leans on the wall for support, her right foot flat against the wall and knee bent.

"...Okay?" Starfire shakes her head and chuckles with false comfort, biting her nails and preparing something to say.

"Friend Raven, Tamaranians do not learn new languages in the traditional sense. The process is more involved." _Just spit it out already! What's her deal?_ Raven rubs her temples in frustration, moving violet locks of hair aside.

"So do you want me to, um, use pictures or something?" Starfire took Raven's hands in hers, looking down at them as she spoke faintly, so as not to grab the attention of any spectators.

Her voice resembles a soft purr. "Raven, people of my kind learn new languages by way of lip contact. I think that inhabitants of this planet refer to this as the 'kiss'." Raven's heart stops.

"...Elaborate…" Raven is slightly more attentive this time.

"Friend Raven, I would need to 'kiss' you for awhile, and possibly multiple times if our attempts aren't successful. Please, Raven, I would appreciate it so much…" Raven withdrew her hands and crossed her arms again. She looked Starfire in the eyes with a cold, expressionless stare, hoping this will be over soon.

"But it's not a romantic gesture, is it?" Raven's voice is monotone and even, deeply contrasting Starfire's, thick with emotion and hesitation. It can't be like that. Raven is positive that she's straight.

"Pardon me?"

"You're not kissing me because you, erhm, 'like' me, correct?" Starfire seems relatively relieved at Raven's understanding, and also at the fact that Raven hasn't thrown her out of the tower in offence. At least, not quite yet.

"Absolutely not, Friend Raven. This is purely for learning purposes." Raven can't help but chuckle a bit at this. In the naive way that Starfire puts it, it sounds like kissing lessons, which Raven _certainly _has no experience with. Raven takes Starfire's hand, panning down the hallways for reassurance, and pulls the orange-skinned teen into her room. "Why, friend, thank you so much! I am so appreciative that you-"

_Fuck it. Let's get this over with._ Raven takes hold of the taller girl's shirt, pulling her down to her level and cupping her cheek, looking her sternly in the eye before tilting her head slightly to catch Starfire's soft lips with hers.

Starfire is startled at first, but quickly calms and grips Raven's shoulders tenderly, mouthing the other girl with renewed confidence.

The girls hold one another close, pressing their bodies together and rocking against one another gently at the ministrations. Starfire strokes her nimble fingers through Raven's hair as the demi-demon releases Starfire with a soft _pop_, and Starfire struggles against Raven's attempts to leave prematurely by pressing her forehead against the other girl's, weaving her fingers with Raven's and holding them at their sides.

"Thank you, Friend Raven." Raven's heart is throbbing, pumping hot, poisonous blood through her veins. She can feel the sweat start to bead up on her forehead. This is crazy. Starfire releases her, but it takes awhile for Raven's mind to register this, and she adjusts her cloak nervously, looking down at her feet in embarrassment. _Why did I do this?_

"So, did it work?" Raven's deadpan facade has been long shattered by Starfire's strawberry lips, and her breath hitches, her emotions running through her in waves with fervor. She's shaking, and she wishes with every fiber of her being that somehow this is just another vision, even though she's sure as hell that it isn't.

"I think we might need a few more tries…" Starfire's voice is apologetic, knowing of Raven's difficulty at the moment. "...In Tokyo, of course." Starfire floats out as quickly as she came in, leaving Raven in her state of shock and uncomfortable sweatiness, her heart practically exploding within her sensitive chest. She stands there, slack-jawed and eyes wide, letting her brain register with what's just happened.

_What the HELL did I get myself into?_

Starfire closed the door with a soft _click_, followed by Robin's voice again.

"Titans, let's go! The plane isn't going to wait for us!"

..._Damn it._


	2. Chapter 2- Good Sort Of Substance

Raven's POV-

The plane ride was spent with vast quantities of yelling at Beast Boy and Cyborg to _please_ shut up, because _I'm trying to relax._ Beast Boy and Cyborg sat in the row behind me, then it was myself (by the window, ew.) next to Starfire, of all people. I tried to ignore her, because I was obviously still shaken by the events that had unfolded back at the tower, but she's a freaking social butterfly. Robin was in front of us. Alone, of course, because he's our leader and doesn't think twice about me not wanting to sit next to anyone.

I could sense Starfire's absence of comfort, too. She tried to break the tension by starting conversation, but it failed. However, her effort was endearing. The plane ride sucked. Nearly 24hrs of awkward chat and yelling disabled any ability to sleep, and now I'm jet lagged. Robin slept, though, because he didn't need to sit next to anyone. He snores, too. Loudly.

We land in an airport, just outside of the city, and after plenty of metal detectors scanning us and guards patting us down, we promptly leave and take two separate cabs to our hotel. Our hotel is about an hour away. Hopefully I can finally get some sleep.

I spend the ride with Robin and a Japanese gentleman who isn't very fluent in English. But fortunately, I know Japanese, which is why I'm in this mess in the first place.

And it's going to happen again.

Starfire rides with Beast Boy and Cyborg. Beast Boy was talking to Cyborg about some level of his game that he couldn't beat, because it was "so damn complicated, yo," and Starfire's interest was averted from Raven.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" I hate it when people call me by my "real" name, and I'm already pissed off and sleep deprived.

"It's _Raven _to you, and I'm tired as hell, so it'd be amazing if you could keep the noise down, _Dick._" He grits his teeth at my use of his name and chokes down his words before preparing something potentially more appropriate to say.

"Okay, _Raven. _I'm just trying to get us to the hotel safely." I rest my head on the door frame of the car, mumbling as I'm nodding off.

"Oh, shut up, you." I didn't hear anything out out of him for the ride. Either that, or I'm a deeper sleeper than I've interpreted.

I'm woken up by Robin nudging me, obviously annoyed that I'm asleep, (and had been for so long) and leaves me to collect myself as he exits the taxi and walks into the main entrance of the hotel, where Cyborg, Beast Boy, and Starfire have gathered themselves. I take my bag handle and exit the taxi, thanking the driver and trudging over to the hotel.

The other Titans are waiting for me to talk to the guy at the main desk, as I'm the only one speaking Japanese, except for Starfire, to some extent. He gives us our key and room number, and we head for the elevator.

The hotel is very fancy, leaving me with no room to complain. Even the door knobs are so elegant looking that I'm tempted to feel the smooth, slick metal of each one. No time for that, though. There's so much that I want to do here, and feeling doorknobs like some sort of architectural fetishist isn't one of them.

We all squeeze ourselves into the elevator and ride up after Starfire requests to press the "funny red button" and giggles to herself the whole way up. Fortunately, it doesn't take long, as we arrive at room 143 in no time.

The room size is as expected, aside from the kitchen, which is actually about the size of a standard kitchen. That's not helpful, though, because I'm pretty sure that nobody here knows how to cook. Maybe I'll actually try Beast Boy's tofu. Although that little dude can get on my nerves, he's pretty cool.

Everyone drops their bags by the door, the two goofballs of our little superhero clan naturally gravitating towards the television, Robin hanging around the kitchen and checking who-knows-what on his communicator, and Starfire just wandering around awkwardly.

She, much like myself, doesn't recover from shock too easily. I'm just better at hiding it.

"Yo Rae, check out this TV!" Garfield, erhm, Beast Boy, calls from across the room, an enthralled Cyborg wide-eyed next to him, in awe at the construction.

"Man, this thing is cool." Cyborg is really predictable with his technology interest. I shuffle over there, too tired and out of spirit to levitate, and cross my arms at the thing from behind the couch.

"It's cool, I guess." I don't know if it's my being tired that keeps me from being unimpressed or if I'm just that much of a downer. The thing is taller than I am, but I guess technology isn't really my thing to begin with.

"Is not the television colossal, Friend Raven?" Starfire comes floating quietly from behind me, trying to lift my spirits.

"I don't know, I guess it is." She sort of gives up trying to cheer me up at this point, because she doesn't really have it in her either. We're all tired as hell except for Robin, and he's probably going to unload orders on us in complete disregard of our tiredness because he's just that predictable. We're all so damn predictable.

"Somethin' wrong, Rae?" Beast Boy turns around to look at me from the couch.

"Just tired." I raise my voice on the "tired" part, hoping Robin will hear.

"Rooms!" He shouts from across the room.

"Umm, what?" Beast Boy questions. That was random.

"We're assigning rooms now." We all avert our attention to him and wait for him to talk. "Three rooms. Where are you all staying?" Beast Boy immediately looks over at Cyborg, and he puts his thumbs up. That leaves two rooms. "Alright, girls?"

"Is it not customary on Earth for people to be separated by gender?" Thanks for that, Starfire. As if we needed a reminder.

"Um, I guess you could say that." Robin looked at me sympathetically.

"I'll stay with you, Star. Robin can stay by himself, right?" He nods and reaches for his bag. He goes into the first room that appears in the hallway as the boys expectantly begin watching television, not bothering to unpack quite yet. I get my bag and seize the opportunity to pick our room.

Ugh. Our. As much as I love Starfire, I value privacy and she doesn't quite have a grip on that yet.

"Why is it that genders are separated on this planet?" Starfire follows me down the hall as we look around where we'll be staying.

"I'll talk to you in a moment, okay?" She nods, a toothy grin plastered to her face.

I drag my luggage to the last room in the hall on the right. It's got two large beds, fortunately, and one of which has an incredible view of the city, which I'm sure Starfire wouldn't mind letting me have. She comes in soon after, easily carrying her bags with her strength, and seeing that I've already taken a liking to the window side, immediately sets her bags on the bed closest to the door.

"Should I go change in the bathroom?" Starfire's voice resonates around the room. That's when I notice how high the ceilings are. One backdraw.

"It's fine, I'll change there, you change in here." I carry my pajamas to the bathroom on the opposite side of the hall, knocking on the door first out of habit and walking in.

I can't complain about the bathroom. The shower is gigantic, there's a separate bathtub, and two sinks, all adorned with relatively new metal. It's clean, too.

I unhook the button on my cloak, letting it drop to the floor. I unzip the back of my leotard using my telekinesis, not having the physical energy to reach behind myself like that, and set that carefully on top of my cloak in a heap on the tile floors. I look at myself in the massive mirror.

My skin is incredibly pale. I kind of like it that way, but it still holds dark reasoning behind it, making it harder to look at every day. I'm not nearly chubby, but I still have a considerably large amount of muscle, and that adds a good sort of substance. I'm not a perfect hourglass shape in terms of my abdomen, but I'm not totally lacking in that department. I'm pretty shapely.

As for my breasts, I'm kind of lacking. It's cliche to think your boobs are too tiny, but mine are _tiny._ They're perky and shapely, though, so I guess they aren't completely disappointing. But it's also cliche to check yourself out in the mirror, too, so I stop that. Starfire's probably wondering if I fell in the toilet anyway.

I slip on my boxers and tee, not taking my bra off, and gather my uniform from the ground, leaving the bathroom finally.

Starfire is looking out of the window when I return, wearing underwear and an oversized shirt and turns to greet me.

"Can I talk now so we can rest? It's getting late and I'm tired." She nods with fervor.

"I would love for you to explain more earth customs, Friend Raven." She walks to her bed, sitting on the edge, and I sit on mine, facing her.

"It's a long story, but to simplify, it is assumed that oppositely gendered people are expected to engage in certain behaviors with each other that would normally be considered not age-appropriate. Even though we wouldn't think that any of us would do that, it's like a default to assume that girls would be more comfortable with other girls, and boys with other boys." She cocks her head, and I have to admit, her curiosity is adorable.

"So, boys don't stay with girls because they could..." she hesitates, "...Have sexual relations?" Good, she gets it. I'm getting closer to being able to sleep.

"That is correct." She smiles, clasping her hands together, but then that curious look on her face returns.

"But what if a girl doesn't want sexual relations with a boy?" And the questions persist.

"Well, I guess that'd make her a lesbian." She looks confused, so I continue. "A lesbian is a girl who wants to have sexual relations with only other girls." She tosses the idea around in her head.

"But is that not considered wrong on earth?" She crosses her legs, getting more comfortable, yet staying intent.

"Some people think it is, but there are lots who don't. It's a religious thing."

"Do you believe that it is wrong, Friend Raven?" _Where is this going?_

"Not at all. In fact, I strongly support them. Also, if boys love other boys sexually, it's called being gay, and if you like both genders, it's called being bisexual, or just 'bi'." I killed two birds with one stone just in case there were more questions pending.

"Oh, okay. I don't see why somebody wouldn't allow someone to love someone of the same gender. It's different, but not bad." I like her outlooks on things like this. Her naivety leaves her unbiased.

"I guess people just don't like non-traditional ways of life." She nods, but still isn't done.

"Do you like girls, Friend Raven?" Well, I can't say that her question caught me off guard, but it's still a huge question to ask someone, not that she knows.

"I don't think so, no. But, again, I have nothing against those who do. Do you like girls, Starfire?" Might as well clear up some stuff while we're at it. She takes forever to think about this, and I start to worry that I'll start to fall asleep before she can finish.

"Friend Raven, I do not know. I have never loved a girl before, but I don't think I would mind having a relationship like that at all." She looks at me, concerned with all of the questions bubbling to the surface of her mind now. Poor thing, new concepts are difficult.

"Starfire, it's fine. I love you no matter what. It'd actually be kind of cool to have a friend who's different like that." Her concern is alleviated slightly, but the main question still persists.

"Thank you for talking to me, Friend Raven. I will have to think about everything we've talked about tonight. Now I know a bit more." She inches up to the top edge of her bed, pulling the covers over her body and resting her head on the pillow. "I think I'll be going to bed now. Goodnight." Her voice is contaminated with worry. I don't know if that's her way of saying that she doesn't want to talk anymore or if she's actually going to bed, because it doesn't seem like she can go to bed.

"Goodnight, Starfire. I'll talk to you in the morning if you'd like." I try not to be so deadpan this time.

"That would be really great." She pulls the lamp string on her bedside table, leaving us in darkness. I get in my bed, rolling to the side so that I can look out of the window until I fall asleep.

I think about what Starfire said. Would it really be that bad to fall in love with a girl? Girls are kind and easier to understand in my opinion. Plus they're familiar in the sense that you can have a lot more in common with a girl than a boy in terms of emotions and physical aspects. It just seems easier and more natural, as contradictory as that sounds. But aren't we, as humans, naturally gravitated toward familiarity?

Stop it. You're still shaken. She kissed you, for God's sake, and it wasn't even romantically. You've never even been in love before.

Wait, I just shot my own knee...

How would you even know what it's like to love a boy if you've never loved anyone sexually? Is it just default to be heterosexual? No, it's not. It's just assumed, like I said with my own words earlier.

I'm just tired. I need sleep. You start to think crazy things when you haven't slept for a day. I curl up under the covers, looking outside at the people still hustling and bustling outside, even though it has to be at least one in the morning. Do they ever stop running? Maybe their sleep schedule is messed up too.

I think about all of the things I'm going to do tomorrow. Maybe I could go shopping or try out some restaurants, or possibly even hit some tourists attractions. I have all these thoughts, but sleep slowly consumes me as my eyes flutter and I submit.


	3. Chapter 3- Free Insomnia

Raven's POV

"Friend Raven, it is time to wake up!" Starfire nudges me from the side of my bed. I feel so groggy when I'm woken up by others.

"What time is it?" I grumble from under the covers. Knowing Starfire, it could very well be early in the morning.

"Friend, it is two in the afternoon! We have been trying to get you up since ten!" _Holy shit. _I never sleep in. I must've been tired as hell. I've wasted a day sleeping in here! I groan now, audibly upset. Two in the afternoon?

"Thanks, I'll be right out, Starfire." I don't have any time to waste. I watch as she leaves the room and then get out of my bed, slinging my cloak over my pajamas. Starfire is dressed, but I don't bother with that right now.

It seems that the boys have gone off on their own escapades, leaving me with Starfire. As expected, they'd be doing their boy things, but it's still unusual to have them gone when you first wake up in the... Oh yeah, afternoon.

Starfire is hopelessly trying to work the microwave, and the TV is shut off, confirming that Beast Boy and Cyborg aren't here, and Robin would be frantically trying to stop Starfire from destroying the microwave. I walk over, looking over her shoulder.

"These buttons are different, Star. Here, you press this one," I point to the "time cook" button, "and then you pick how long you will cook it." It looks like she has a bowl of soup in there, so I click 2, 0 and 0 again, making it two minutes.

"Thank you, Raven! Earth gadgets are most confusing!" She turns around and gives me one of her customary bone-crushing hugs, and I don't resist, actually liking the contact. Once she releases me, she looks into my eyes for a moment, seeming concerned. She takes her hands in mine, opening her mouth to talk, only to shut it again and look at the floor.

"Are you okay?" I tilt her head back up to look at me again, and she avoids looking at me, but the awkwardness of her obvious avoidance prevents that, and she looks at me again.

"Friend Raven, I have thought about what we talked about last night." She plays with my hands in hers, moving them up and down as she talks.

"What about it?" Although it's hard, I try to sound as sympathetic as I feel.

"Raven, I think... I think I like girls, too. I don't know what to do..." She starts to look upset, and I see a tear roll down her cheek. I can feel her conflicting thoughts going through my own head, and I start to hurt, too.

"You don't have to do anything, Starfire. It's okay." She pans down to the floor again, and I tilt her head up again, wiping the tear from her cheek.

"But should I not tell the others? Isn't that what you are supposed to do?" She grips my hands tighter, as if she's keeping me from going away.

"It's just something about you, Star. It's not like your name changed or something drastic like that." She doesn't stop crying, and I worry that I won't be able to help her calm down.

"What do you mean?" She bites her lip. Seeing her this upset really takes a toll on me.

"Well, if you discovered that you liked something new, would you need to tell everyone? Or will it matter if you don't?" She is starting to get really upset now. I can practically feel the knot forming in her throat just by watching her.

"But if they do find out, they might not accept me anymore." The tears start flowing now. I release one hand from her grasp to grab a napkin and I hand it to her, starting to talk again as she wipes her face.

"Then we can do this together, Starfire. You and I can do this step by step. I will help you." She seems slightly alleviated and takes my hand back.

"I did not know that this could be so hard, Friend Raven. I always thought that girls who liked girls were just the same as anyone else. At least, that's how it is on Tamaran. There aren't labels on everything like there are here." I look in her eyes, scanning for any more upset. It's coming. I have to stop her.

"They are the same, Starfire. They're just not treated like it sometimes." She drifts her vision to the floor again, and I tilt her head back up for the millionth time.

"Exactly! It's enough of a burden to be from a different planet where everything is so different from here, where I know absolutely nothing and embarrass myself all of the time, and now I'm even more different than I thought!" She's really crying now. I panic. Words aren't working right now. What do I do? I can't cry too, that'll make it worse. Damn it.

I get up on my tip toes, looking deeply into her eyes. I free my hands, and wiping away more tears, I then tilt my head, closing my eyes as she closes hers, and I fill the gap, pressing my lips to hers.

She instinctively puts her hands on my hips, pressing me closer, surprisingly softly and affectionately for her, as I wrap my arms around her neck. She and I just kiss each other, opening and closing our mouths rhythmically with one another, closed eyes and hearts racing. She gently rubs her nails up my sides and I stroke her hair as we kiss, and I start to try to slide my tongue into her mouth as realization strikes.

_I'm making out with Starfire._

I almost hastily break apart from her, panicking more than I had before. I don't like girls. That's established. Yet I just kissed Starfire. And I started it. I'm so fucking stupid.

The door to the hotel room starts to open, and I can hear someone jingling the keys in the lock. I'm screwed.

"Starfire, I have to go." I almost spit out the words, whipping around and racing down the hallway as I hear the microwave beep and the door almost open as I grab the door handle to our room and fly in, not thinking twice, closing the door as I begin to sob to myself on the other side.

I just kissed a crying girl and left two seconds after. And I'm not bisexual or gay. I just did it because I'm stupid and couldn't think. And now she's alone and needs to put the pieces together. And now the questions will come flooding in, like why Starfire was in the kitchen crying and why I am in my room crying and why we're both crying and what happened and I can't answer without ruining everything more than I already fucking have.

And that's when I hear Beast Boy in the kitchen, asking why I'm still not up and why Star's crying.

"Friend Beast Boy, I wish not to talk right now. I will deal with the problem on... On my own." I've really fucked up. Great job, Raven!

"Star, you're not alright. Did Raven do something? Is she still in your room?" I press my ear to the door, trying to get better access to the conversation.

"Friend Raven needs to be alone right now also. She is in there right now." And then the footsteps start to get louder and louder until wood is being pounded right under my ear.

"Raven, open this door right now." I don't. Instead I go over to my bed and resume my crying there, staring out the window as Beast Boy ignores his own question and comes barging in. "Raven, what happened?" I just sob louder.

"Leave me the hell alone, Grass Stain." I turn to look at him, and he stands there gawking as he sees my face.

"Holy shit, Rae, are you crying?" He advances closer to the bed, and my body begins releasing black, wispy, gas-like tendrils. It isn't intentional, but I hope it'll scare him off.

"What the hell does it look like, idiot?" He sits down next to me on my bed.

"You can talk to me, you know." I groan as the tears start flowing again.

"Everyone says that. You just want to know why I'm crying." He bobs his head.

He lowers his voice a bit, calming down. "True for the first, one forth for the second. Not talking about it at this point is stupid, Raven. Spit it out. Robin and Cy are going to be back any minute now." I get more comfortable, and although I hate myself for saying this, I know he's right. This problem isn't going to fix itself.

"Where do I start? There's just so much an' crap. It's just… Damn it. I just, I can't." I lay back on the bed so my legs are hanging off, my ribs nearly showing from under my muscles. I let out a breathy sigh. He follows after me, mimicking my actions and laying down.

"Just tell me what's going on right now between you and Starfire and why you're both upset." _We'll do this together, Star. _or something like that. Might as well talk while everyone's calmer.

"Well, she's… I was talking to her last night about why genders are usually separated for stuff an' junk, and she was all confused as to why people have to do that when… When girls can like girls, too. And then we got on that topic. Ya' know how she gets with her questions," he looks me in the eyes, listening intently, "and… Stuff's been happening that's confusing her." He looks confused now. Probably not the right choice of words.

"What happened before that? What made her have that idea in her head?" I curl my legs up so that I'm in fetal position, facing him.

"Umm… Well, ya see, she wanted to learn Japanese, so she asked if I could help her with that and was all nervous," I take in a deep breath, "and she explained to me after I agreed." He lays on his stomach, propping himself up with his arms.

"Explained what?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, Tamaranians don't learn languages like that. They kiss someone to learn a language, like how she kissed Robin when she first got here." He seems completely understanding now, but filled with shock.

"So what happened later, and when was this?"

"Yesterday, the morning we came here. And, well, I looked around in the hallway and pulled her into my room… And I kissed her. Like, a lot." Now it's a mixture of completely shocked and intrigued, with maybe just a dash of aroused.

"Did you… Um," he cleared his throat, "Did you like it?" He bites his lip, cocking an eyebrow. Damn, I really have to think. Did I? I didn't feel appalled afterwards, only guilty…

"Um. Yeah. I guess I did." I look down at my lap, embarrassed and not wanting to say any more. Beast Boy looks sympathetic.

"Rae, you really don't have to be upset, you know," He wipes a tear off of my cheek, "but you should tell me the full story so I can help you." I look back at him, thoughts riding in waves through my head. What is going on with me?"

"So, um. After I was talking to her about gender separation and stuff, and she got all confused about homosexual relationships, so I explained that to her, too, and, um. She was all… Confused." He looks intent, but not uncomfortably so.

"Confused?"

"Yeah. She was crying this morning when I talked to her in the kitchen because she doesn't want anyone to think differently of her…" He fiddles with the fringe on the ends of the comforter, listening casually.

"So she, um, likes chicks?" I nod subtly, not faltering with my speech.

"And so, she was crying, and I couldn't calm her down… And, well, I tried talking to her and saying we could do this together, but… Oh God…" I rub my temples at the memory, not even 20 minutes ago.

"It's okay, Rae, keep going." I inhale, drawing out the exhale.

"And so, I kissed her again, like, _kissed her, _kissed her… And I initiated it, and then you walked in." He lets out a soft laugh, not that this is humorous, but rather really sweet to him.

"Did you like it this time?" I start to cry a bit harder again.

"...A lot, yeah. I swear I don't like her though, like, _shit._ I don't know, Gar." He lays like I am, looking at me again. He smiles reassuringly.

"It seems like you do, though. Are you bisexual or something?" The word, although common, seems so foreign to me in this context. I start quietly sobbing again, hiding my face from him. I'm not supposed to feel like this.

"I… I don't know." I think, him just laying there with me.

The familiarity. The sweetness, softness, understanding… Damn it. I've never questioned my sexuality before. I didn't even think I was capable of loving anyone. Yet, I never considered the fact that if I did, that I could be completely adverse to boys. When I kissed her… Damn. She was so soft, so sweet, so delicate… Yet passionate and loving, not half-hearted or empty by any means. Could a boy really be like that?

Sleep, Raven. Sleep.


	4. Chapter 4- For Learning Purposes

Raven's POV

"Friend, I am sorry."

I remain on my bed, where Beast Boy left me hours ago after I insisted he allowed me to get my thoughts together. I'm in fetal position again, sucking on the fabric of my cloak, (a habit I picked up on when upset) and looking out the hotel window. I've wasted my day worrying in my room. Regardless, I'm ready to talk to Starfire. Or, at least, I have to talk to Starfire.

"Star, it's not your fault." She sits by where my feet are on the end of my bed, rubbing my side.

"But, friend, you were very upset. Friend Beast Boy had to come make sure you were okay." I bite the fabric harder as I think.

"Starfire… I'm sorry. I… I want to try this." Starfire's rubbing comes to a stop. Confusion. Starfire is no stranger to confusion.

"Try what, Friend Raven?" And, as expected, the questions persist. I run my thumb over my cloak's button, trying to think of what I'll say. It takes longer than I expected it to, but Starfire knows of my need to take my time, so she just sits there with me, rubbing my sides and back tenderly with her legs crossed on my bed.

"Star, I… I don't like girls… Well, I'm not sure if I do, but… I still want to help you with your problem. The learning a language one, I mean." She falls on the bed, somewhat spooning me, but I know that her intention is just to hug me. She does, and it's the most satisfyingly painful thing I could ask for in this moment. She begins to move away, but I turn over, pulling her back down by her waist gently. "...Wait."

"Yes, Raven?..." I become slightly nervous, beginning what has been troubling me for the past couple of days on my own, beginning to conquer this fear of mine.

"...For l-learning purposes… r-right?" I pull myself into Starfire by Starfire's oversized shirt, leaning my forehead into Starfire's to imply what I'm talking about, and Starfire's face becomes cutely serious and stern.

"For learning purposes only." With both of our heads on the same pillow, Starfire closes the gap this time, our lips touching gently while Starfire rubs my side again as we kiss. I can vaguely smell Starfire's strawberry-scented hair as we linger like that for awhile, our warm lips pressed together, tenderly moving and synchronized and perfect. For the first time in awhile, I can say that I feel at ease, like everything we're doing is just perfect and comfortable and wonderful, and that I can relax and be just who I am without judgement. Her lips on mine, our warmth being shared as our bodies press together, her hand running down my side… All of it is just… Perfect. Bearable for once.

Starfire eventually releases me, and she allows me to rest my forehead on hers again, just looking into those eyes of hers with my arms around her. I can feel her strong heartbeat matching mine, and I take her hand in mine, playing with her fingers. "Can… can you please stay with m-me tonight?" She grins slightly.

"Of course, Friend Raven. Mochiron." I giggle at her use of Japanese.

It's working, of course, but I don't want it to have to stop. Starfire makes me feel so understood. She's having difficulty too, she's different too, she's misunderstood too, but she understands me, and I understand her. It's almost like we're meant to be friends. I close my eyes, still clutching her gently, and allow myself to think, as usual, before I go to sleep, her breaths blowing softly over my lips causing me to become more relaxed.

I really can't keep this up much longer. The facades of my mental empire have already fallen. Would it really be that bad to love another girl? Starfire makes me feel so comfortable, so valued… It can't compare to anything that a boy could try to reciprocate. She's just so precious. Kissing her makes me feel tied to her somehow; like we're inseparable for awhile, her feeling me and me holding onto her as if she's my anchor. As of late, she sort of is. I want to be closer. I want to do more with her. I want to hold her close to me and feel her heartbeat like this every night. I want to love her. And I think I already do.

To put it frankly, I want to fuck Starfire.

It feels even better just to accept that fact. To think it, process it, accept it, and move on. That I don't have to pretend that I feel differently than I do. That I can actually be Raven for once and not have to deny or hide it. It's incredible.

I am a lesbian.

And I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Starfire's light snoring thankfully interrupts my train of thought, and I kiss her lightly on the lips, and although she can't hear me, I whisper, "We will talk in the morning. You won't believe it, Star."

I slept more comfortably that night.

Raven's POV

I wake up, and Starfire is not beside me anymore. I shouldn't, but I panic a bit. The girl I was thinking about and cuddling just last night isn't here anymore. She's probably just in the bathroom, so I trudge across the hall, eyeing the clock. 7:30 A.M. I haven't missed my day today.

The cold tile on the bottoms of my feet cause me to wake up a bit more, and with lidded eyes, I lazily knock on the closed bathroom door, waiting for a response from Starfire.

"Yes?" Starfire's voice sounds uneasy.

"Star, are you okay? Should I come in there?" Starfire hums her approval, and I tentatively grasp and twist the doorknob. Hey, it's fair! You never know what happens in those. She could be vomiting or having her period or taking a bath or rubbing one out right in front of me for all I know.

But it happened to be none of those. She was clutching either side of the counter, hunched over the sink and breathing heavily. The tap was running, and she seemed to be splashing water on her face, her chin dripping water into the sink below her. She looks at the mirror to see me, too dazed to look to her side. "I've had a nightmare."

"Tell me about it." I can't help but feel panicked. Nightmares are normal for me, so I know how upsetting they can be. I walk over to the counter, making sure to close the bathroom door so that nobody gets suspicious.

"F-friend, I was… I was with you, and you said y-you didn't like me anymore… A-and I lost control…" She starts to cry again. _Raven, don't pull this shit again._

"Star, it's okay. Just… just keep talking." She turns off the tap, spinning around to look at me, her face _infested_ with anxiety and almost psychotic panic. I start panting, thinking of what I'm going to do.

"Raven, I… I killed you. In m-my dream. And I lost you and didn't have you anymore. A-and I couldn't go on." She takes her hands in mine, just barely damp from the sink water.

"Starfire…" She looks down at her feet again, choking back sobs as I painfully watch her.

"I was about to jump i-in my dream… When I woke up and came in here." She frees my hands, heaving over the sink and grabbing it again. "...Raven?"

"S-Starfire, it's okay…" She looks at me again, not turning fully and talks with a quivering voice.

"...Raven, I t-think I've fallen in love w-with you…" She squeezes her face up in emotional pain, the pressure causing her tears to drop as if it were the splashing of water coming off her face. As unusual as it sounds, she's made this easier on me.

"Star… I think so too." She turns the rest of her head, meeting my gaze. My eyes are wide in shock of what just came out of our mouths, and she looks at me with an empty grin, characteristic of someone in literal shock. She clutches her stomach as my heart rate increases, almost about to double over and vomit from a mixture of her dream and what's just happened, and, of course, what's about to come. It's too much for her to handle.

"Raven, what do we do now?!" She makes no effort to hold back her sobs anymore, covering her open mouth as she whines, trying to control her breathing. If it wasn't already enough for her to be in denial about liking girls, now she has a post-traumatic-stress-related nightmare looming in her mind, _and _a love confession from her crush.

"Step by step, Starfire. We will do this together. You and I. Us." Her eyes flicker back and forth from the toilet to my eyes. She really is in some deep shit right now.

"R-Raven… You can not leave me…" She has difficulty speaking, her words coming out in concentrated puffs. I take her hands in mine, a single tear falling from my eye in empathy for her.

"I could never in a million years under any circumstances even think about betraying you. I love you too much to even consider doing something one eighth as bad as that, knowing how it feels." Starfire froze.

"Y-you know how it f-feels?" She swallows roughly, as do I.

"My own father raped my mother and she had me," Starfire constricts more sobs, "...I'm not even supposed to be here. I wasn't even raised by my own parents." Starfire strengthens her hold on my hands. "I've never felt valued." I start to cry also, my eyes welling up as I bite my lip.

"I was sold off as a slave. My own sister wants to kill me." She leans up against my forehead, our tears merging. It sounds cheesy, but it's symbolic in a way. She holds our hands at our sides.

"I guess we're not that much different, huh?" I laugh helplessly and emptily, holding onto the girl that I'd never thought I'd love.

"I want to kiss you right now." I'm surprised at my own admission, but there isn't really any room for being prepared for us Titans nowadays.

"...F-for learning purposes?" Starfire's voice sounds strained, but less uncomfortable now.

"No." She smiles pitifully as she cups my cheek and our lips connect gently, our faces hot and wet with tears. I'm not denying myself anymore. Her hands drift to my hips, steadying me as we sway together in unison, our mouths gently lapping at each other.

She pokes the bottom of my lip with her tongue, and I comply, humming lowly as her tongue enters my mouth, both of ours swirling together tenderly. I run my hands up and down her arms, her body tensing less and less with every stroke as we continue our ministrations. She turns us around and pushes me against the counter softly, and she rubs my back, drifting lower and lower and lower. It's turning me on, to say the least. I want to take it farther, but that wouldn't be right. She's upset, and I need to help her come to terms with this all before I start doing lewder things with her.

Our mouths separate as she continues to rub my back, her head resting in the crook of my neck as I proceed with my stroking her arms, and her breathing slows. We just hold each other, the counter thankfully providing the support that I need. But the problem persists.

I look at her, and she glares back expectantly. I take her hand, breathing deeply, and opening the door to the bathroom with her to be met by the face of Robin, obviously confused, concerned, and full of questions. Starfire squeezes my hand in panic, and I look at her calmly, reassuring her.

"Um.. Raven, do you want to talk?" She tenses, and I speak softly,

"Starfire, this is the first step." She nods.


	5. Chapter 5- Nothing Short Of Human

3rd POV

**~ANGST WARNING!~ No fluff or smut until the next chapter.**

"So… Are you two, like, a thing now?" Raven sits casually on the couch next to Robin in the living room, the other two boys still asleep, Starfire trying to use the microwave on her own this time.

"We're going to try this." Raven scratches at her neck, crossing her legs and thinking. "So, kind of, but not really. We both want to though." Robin crosses his arms, grinning a tad bit, just enough for the goth girl to see in her peripherals.

"I'm really happy for you, Raven." They keep eye contact as Robin flashes a genuine smile, and Raven becomes confused at his lack of resistance.

"Shit, really? I thought you'd flip." Raven muses. Robin just shakes his head.

"I've been through enough to not be surprised about much anymore, Rae." He seems slightly uneasy now, biting his lip and bouncing his leg up and down. Starfire nods to Raven with her slightly-burned waffles before going to the room to eat.

"I don't believe you. You're just a control freak. Heh." She giggles at the thought of one of their villains, not intending to make that pun.

"It's just how I cope, Raven. I didn't ever have control before, which leads me to my obsession now." Raven is unconvinced, quirking her eyebrow and questioning him further.

"You've always had control over us! You've always bossed us around and got your way!" Raven gets slightly angry, actually trying to hold back the tendrils of energy now, so as not to worsen the issue at hand. "Don't try to make me feel differently with your crap." Robin becomes obviously enraged, his voice dropping.

"I'm just better at not putting all of my issues on display. I actually try to keep stuff to _myself_. And I put every fiber of my being into keeping your asses out of the fire." His position becomes hostile as he sits up and braces either side of the couch cushion.

"There's stuff that I hide too, Robin." Raven becomes a bit depressed, her voice becoming softer and more submissive as she thinks of her past, and those certain nights, and the ones following when she couldn't sleep about it. "You just need to stop trying to control everything! You can't control everyone and what they do! It just won't work!" He tenses, gripping the cushions harder in his anger, and then relaxes again, tears welling up in his eyes as he loses control.

"Ever notice why I always wear long sleeves, Raven?" His words are choked and Raven wonders what shit he's going to pull now. "D-does this look like _control _to you?!"

He rolls up his sleeves to reveal numerous patches of cross-hatched cut scars, all varying in age and severity, covering majority of both of his arms. Some of the cuts seem like they may have even been done within the past several hours. His arms are contaminated with them. It makes Raven hurt to say the least. She covers her mouth, her eyes wide and holding hot tears, and she looks down at his mutilated arms as if it were her dead sibling laying on the ground. "Didn't t-think so." He leaves his sleeves rolled up, staring out in front of himself as Raven processes this.

"You're n-not as alone as you think y-you are, you know." He snarls, giving Raven the side eye. She just barely manages to not break out in a sobbing fit right there in front of him.

"You don't cut." Even though she doesn't, it bothers Raven that he just assumes that.

"You're right. I don't," she takes a deep breath, swallowing her cries, "but I'm kind of a rape baby. And I've been molested and raped and beaten. My life has been fucked up." She wipes away her tears. _Too much crying for a couple of days._ "I try to hide everything to preserve the miniscule privacy that I have left, even my emotions. I keep my friends far away from me and don't let anyone get close. I put up walls and hide behind them to preserve my own sanity because it's all that I have fucking left." Robin sobs quietly now, clutching onto the cushions as if he's being blown away.

"Why don't you, then? How could you go on?" He avoids eye contact again.

"I didn't want to go on. I've spent several nights sleepless on the top of the tower thinking of how fucking awesome it would be if I just jumped right now. 'Do it, Raven. Just jump and end this pain.' And one night, I actually tried, and it almost worked." Her voice falters a bit, recalling that one time. She hugs her legs up to her chest, sucking on the side of her cloak again.

"W-what did you do?" His voice is sympathetic, not one trace of resentment or distrust, and Raven takes this as a signal to continue.

"I took a few bottles of pills." Her tears spill relentlessly onto the couch fabric as she tries to keep her voice down. "I hid in my room and waited for them to work, and a couple hours in, Beast Boy tried to talk to me and didn't hear me, so he came in anyway and found me on the floor shaking and vomiting." He can't help but look Raven in the eye now, his unmasked grey eyes holding unmeasurable amounts of worry, concern, and empathy. "H-he took me to the hospital. They pumped my stomach. I obviously didn't die, but I would've if he hadn't found me."

"H-how were you not admitted to… to a psych ward?" His voice quivers intensely.

"I was there for a couple of weeks, and by the time they were going to admit me, I had a change of mind, and with that, Beast Boy was able to convince them not to keep me there." He rubs Raven's back, and although he is very empathetic, it's nothing compared to Starfire's. Still, she appreciates it more than anything at the moment.

"Change of m-mind? And how d-did I not know about it?" Robin's turning into a bit of a Starfire with these questions.

"That was when Beast Boy told you we'd be on a trip for awhile and y-you got pissed at him for not warning you earlier."

She recovers from her anger surprisingly quickly. "And I realized that I was going to live. I couldn't let my past keep me from moving forward. I was going to live under my own name and prove to those bastards that they didn't ruin me. I was going to live and watch everyone around me acknowledge that I'm not anything less than a human being. I was going to live for the sake of myself!" Robin's tears keep flowing. "The scars on my mind were more than enough for me! I value everything I have left and don't mutilate my own body to prove my attackers right!"

"I'm sorry, Raven." Robin crosses his arms and leans back on the couch, pulling his sleeves over his arms again.

"Don't feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I am stronger than that." She leans back also, meeting Robin's gaze.

"You're stronger than I could ever be, and I've been blind to that. I respect you, Raven." His crying slows, much to Raven's relief.

"Maybe so. But you need to start somewhere. You're better than this, Robin." The side of Raven's cloak is likely soaked by now. She bites the fabric, waiting for a response.

"And you even have a girl that you love now. You and everyone else have so much potential for happiness, and I waste mine by using blades on my own skin." He seems frustrated, so Raven tones down her pep-talk a bit.

"You need to stop this right now if you ever want to get better. The deeper you dig, the darker it gets. It's not too late to start filling in the hole. I'm living proof that you can rebuild your walls brick by brick and not waste yourself." Raven wipes the Boy Wonder's last tear with her thumb, smoothing over his cheek and smiling pitifully.

"I will try."

"You will not try. You will just do." He nods sternly, agreeing.

"Maybe you're a better fit to be our leader." He scoffs a bit, doubting himself.

"You're just fighting your demons. I've got a lover to watch out for." She smooths her thumb over her cloak's button, lifting up the hood over her head. It provides her comfort.

"Nah, I've got one to look after, too." Their conversation becomes more casual as they relax progressively, aside from Raven's shock at his reveal, although this is the perfect time to come out with something like that.

"Really? Who?" He laughs under his breath, taking in a deep puff of air before exhaling as he talks.

"...Well,... Beast boy, actually."

_WHOA._

No wonder why he was so supportive. No wonder why he took so much time to calm Raven down. He's gay, too. Or, bisexual, at least.

And he's dating _Robin!_

"W-whoa. I was not expecting that." Raven's amethyst eyes are wide.

"See? There's lots of things that you don't know. We all have one thing in common, Raven." She knows what he means.

"We're all different, but one thing we share is our insanity." He nods, smiling wholeheartedly.

"Nice talk, Raven. Thanks… thanks for this." She grins lightly.

"Friend Raven, you must come to discuss something with me!" Starfire's voice is full of excitement, and Raven takes this as a cue to start moving on again.

"Be there in a minute, Star." Raven smirks.


	6. Chapter 6- Proceed With Caution

~Author's Note~ Angst for the last chapter, but it's necessary for story progression. There'll be strengthening romance in the next few chapters that eventually leads to some smut, but it won't stop there.

Raven's POV-

"Friend Raven, what is this furry earthling?" Starfire giggles profusely at the fuzzy mass inching up her finger.

"That would be a caterpillar, Starfire." Starfire sounds out the syllables, her fingers twitching as it crawls up her hand and onto her arm.

"It has many legs! This is most interesting!" I flash a grin at her. She's just too damn cute with these things.

We went out for a walk together, the boys deciding to leave us be, especially Robin. I'm planning on telling Beast Boy about us soon, but Cyborg might have to wait awhile. The other boys' situations were easier.

Starfire wanted to stop at a community park, this one in particular not holding many people, which I enjoy. She sits on the bench beside me, one of her arms hugging on mine, pulling her close as she plays with her new "furry earthling." To be honest, I'm not too comfortable with the whole aspect of PDA, but being with Starfire and knowing that she doesn't really care what I do helps tremendously. Plus, if this freaks me out, then it'll be tragic when we… Um, yeah. So I decide to suck it up.

"Star, don't you think we should get going somewhere to eat? You've got to be hungry." She looks up at me, resting her chin on my shoulder like a child. How could I have not noticed how adorable she was in the past?

"Ah, yes, Raven. Although I am having fun playing with my friend here, we should get something to eat." She sets her finger down on a tree trunk next to our bench, and the caterpillar makes it's way up the tree as Starfire watches in awe of all of it's little sticky legs.

"Where do you want to go?" She tilts her head in thought, and I curl her red tresses on my finger as I wait for a response.

"I do not know. You choose." She hugs my arm as if I'm her mother and she's in a grocery store. She'd hug me and be all touchy-feely before we came to terms on our feelings for each other, but knowing the meaning behind it now makes my heart flutter and my cheeks blush, the pink standing out on my ash grey skin. I can feel it. It's a good kind of nervousness.

We end up in a small coffee shop-like joint, which, fortunate for me, has loads of awesome teas that I'd like to try. It's around three in the afternoon, so we're not getting dinner or anything, but we're still hungry. Starfire orders a salad, and I order a salad as well. We're like little rabbits; The innocent little fluffy one, and then there's that one who terrifies you at first that you only really get a 50/50 chance of petting, if that. It's an odd pair, but we balance each other out nicely. We always have.

We're munching, and I'm sipping my tea at a small counter on really tall chairs that are scattered around the place. I don't know how I'll even get down from here, but that's not a problem for Starfire. She's pretty tall. There are lots of tables in here, most being unoccupied, and there's a fireplace which warms it in here, which is nice.

I'm surprised at the amount of familiar music they're playing. I mean, it's Japan, so I was expecting some sort of chaotic nightcore version of American music to play if any played at all, but they've got some pretty good music on. It's all somewhat older, as I've heard some _Radiohead _and similar bands being thrown around, but I've always had a soft spot for music like that.

"Um, Raven, is this restaurant not incredible?" She falters before saying my name, not knowing what to put before it now. This is new, of course.

"I like it, Star. It's very nice." I spare myself more conversation by taking another sip of my tea. It has a dash of mint and strong herbal essence, and it really energizes me. I start to wonder if it has caffeine in it.

"Raven, I have an important question…" She takes her hand in mine, needing my attention. The blush is returning, and it's completely unrelated to the hot tea or the fire in here.

"Yes, Starfire?" I swivel my seat so I'm facing her, and her emerald eyes glisten in the beams of sunlight coming in through the window. She hesitates.

"I was wondering if..," she reconsiders, but soon recovers, "...May I call you… 'Girlfriend Raven'?" She blushes profusely, and I can't help but smile.

Are we really ready for this? I'm in love with this girl, but it's going to take awhile to get accustomed to the way she refers to me. Plus, people will know we're together, and that'd make everything public, Cyborg would know…

_She smiles pitifully as she cups my cheek and our lips connect gently, our faces hot and wet with tears. I'm not denying myself anymore._

"Of course, Starfire." Her smile spreads so wide that I think her lips might split. It's precious.

"Thanks so very much… _Girlfriend Raven._" My heart beats even faster, if that's possible. To be loved like this by someone feels like the void in my conscience has been filled. I feel valued. It's out of character, but this time, I lean over to her chair and embrace her in a weak hug, (customary of mine when I do hug someone) and she hugs back, this time, not bone-crushing and overbearing. She's gentle and loving and more than bearable, and she strokes my chin-length hair softly as we share each other's presence.

It's abnormal, but I feel like not much has changed. We don't really see different sides of one another. She still hugs me although it's more loving, we understand each other better, but none of the actual feelings have seemed to change. Was I in denial for as long as I thought I was? It seems that this could have happened months ago if I'd realized the tension between us.

It's only been days, but I'm sure of myself by now.

"Should we get going back to the hotel now, Starfire?" I've noticed that she'd already finished her salad and is sitting there idly, gazing beyond and deep in thought. She nods, her focus still strong on whatever thought is in her mind.

"Yes, but can I ask for the bill?" I want to see if this whole thing is working. She grins innocently and I give her a thumbs-up. She waves for the waiter, thinks, and then speaks without any infliction.

"O kanjou onegai shimasu." He hands the bill over.

"It's working, eh?" She nods, looking slightly anxious.

"But it won't have to stop, right?" She catches my eyes with hers, pleading and wide.

"Not as long as I'm around." She giggles. She hops out of her chair effortlessly, and I just remain sitting in mine, looking at the drop to the floor as if it's some sort of abyss. She notices my dilemma, scooping me up bridal style and placing me on the floor gently, not a single struggle with the weight. I almost shattered. Almost.

We walk back to our hotel, which isn't very far from the bistro where we were eating, and chat informally and calmly. I like the way Starfire walks when she's not floating, which we haven't done much since we've been here. She sways her hips slightly, but her feet roll on the ground, springing her up as she tries to keep up, her hand in mine. My feet turn in when I walk and I look at my feet, and I don't have the best posture, but Starfire still says that it's "quite adorable."

To entertain myself, I try to see how long I can go without stepping on any cracks, all the while wholeheartedly listening to Starfire's lecture about all of the interesting earth things she's seen today.

"-And the restaurants are most interesting. They seem smaller than ours, yet they're very charming. It seems that the people in them are quite kind, too, and-"

"Turn here, Starfire." I pull her around the corner, and we end up right in front of the hotel. We walk in, and I let Starfire press the button in the elevator, continuing her relentless talking. At least it leaves me with not much of a need to speak and fill up the awkwardness. She lets go of my hand to get the door, and I make sure not to take hers again, not wanting to attract any attention inside the hotel before she's ready.

"-Maybe they have more types of cater… caterpillars. They're so fuzzy, and they have so many sticky legs! It felt so weird for it to climb on me, I was-" It's almost if she pre-plans her dialogue. It's crazy how she just keeps going… and going… and going…

"Starfire, I think I need to take a shower." She stops abruptly, processing my sentence.

"Okay, Girlfriend Raven. I will be in the room if you need me for anything." I smile, gazing around the area for people (just in case…) and take both of her hands, pulling her to me and giving her a quick peck on the lips.

I turn on the faucet to the shower, feeling it until it's warm, and then go to strip out of my clothes, folding them neatly and draping them over the side of the tub. Then, I can almost sense the panic running throughout the entirety of the hotel. It seems to be coming from Starfire. Separation anxiety, perhaps? She doesn't do well by herself.

I try to wait a little while before intervening, so I step into the shower, the hot water melting away the aches in my back, the humidity surrounding me. It's the kind of relaxation I need. I kind of just stand there, trying to drown out all of my intense emotions from the events that have unfolded over the past few days and simply feeling the water.

However, with Starfire's emotions being projected onto me, it's kind of difficult. She's so anxious.

_knocknocknock. _She finally decides to address me.

"Girlfriend Raven? I am quite lonely…" Ah, and I'm in the shower. Perfect timing.

"What is the matter? I can practically feel your anxiety, Starfire." She just barely cracks the door, not nearly enough to see anything, but enough to hear me better.

"I am very upset, although I d-don't know why… I do not know what to do…" Well, the shower doors are textured glass. You can't exactly see through them.

"Come on in. I'm in the shower." I speak loudly, not wanting to have to clog up my senses with noise. Yes, I'm that sensitive.

She steps in, pacing around and waiting for me to be done, obviously not just troubled by the fact that I wasn't around her for quite a few minutes. There's something else. The boys being back, maybe? I already told her at the park about a miniscule amount of things I discussed with Robin, our new kind-of relationship being one of them. None of the suicide drama, though. I don't need her worrying about that.

Or is that what she's upset about? Did Robin tell her?

I should just let her come in here. Simply being in the bathroom isn't helping me or her. But, then again, the anxiety will be debilitating for me. It would have been different for her to seem my body before we were a couple, but now that the situation has changed, it's more nerve wracking.

"Star, um… Do you want to maybe come in here with me? I mean, you don't have to, it's just…" Now I'm babbling. Just calm, Raven.

"Yes, that would help me. I should take a shower anyway." Oh, Azar. If I was nervous before, then I'm practically dying now.

She hesitates, removing her clothing and sitting on the tub for another minute or so before opening the magnetic door to the shower, stepping in.

It's my first instinct to cover myself. _It's just Starfire._ But I've never been seen naked by anyone since-... Oh, _shit._ I panic.

She's much taller than me. She seems pained to see me so upset. I'm reliving trauma, except under calm circumstances. She's covering herself, also, trying to figure out why I'm flipping out. I mean, she is seeing me naked, so that'd contribute, but she doesn't know about… About my past.

"Girlfriend Raven, what is troubling you so much?" Her pleading eyes are hard to be afraid of. I look back up at her, the height difference making it slightly difficult for me to see her.

"I'm just… Not used to people seeing my body." Starfire's eyes widen and her jaw drops.

"Girlfriend Raven, you are simply… Oh my. You a-are beautiful… I did not know you were so beautiful." I look at the floor, ashamed.

"That's not true. You don't have to be so nice to me, Star." She looks even more hurt.

"You are beautiful, Raven." She gently touches my shoulders, and I flinch at first, my eyes never leaving the shower floor. She trails her hands down my arms, stopping at my hands and gently taking them in hers, very tentatively, yet gingerly, tugging my hands away from my breasts. "You're… you're perfect."

Now I've shattered.

"Starfire?" Am I really ready?

"Yes, Girlfriend Raven?" I bite my lip, looking back up at those glimmering eyes.

"I… I love you."

She smiles, kissing my hands. When I look back up at her, she's biting her lips, looking at mine. We're both trembling, our hearts pounding like marching band drums. _Yes, Raven, you are._

I tug her into me, panting from a mixture of nervousness and exhaustion from the heat, and I rest my wet forehead on hers. I take my hands back, wrapping my arms around her neck from my tip toes and just lightly brush my lips against hers, testing her.

She takes initiative and presses her soft lips into mine, letting it linger for awhile before starting to move against me, our lips enveloping the other's delicately. Her hands run up and down my back, mine playing with her wet hair behind her head. She sucks my bottom lip in her mouth, sucking on it with lidded eyes, and when she releases, I dip my tongue tentatively into her mouth, and we trace each other's tongues for awhile, feeling each other's bodies under the water of the shower.

Her hands steadily travel up my sides, her long nails gently raking up until just below my breasts.

_His hands grabbed and groped at me with ferocity. He hurt; not only physically, but emotionally, also. It's as it his nails are daggers, boring into my skin as he attacks me, pinned to the bed and helpless. I try to scream for help, to make myself heard, to do anything that'd give myself worth- but I'm powerless, and he loves it._

But this is Starfire. She loves me, as she's said, and her touches practically undo all of the torture I've gone through. She caresses me lovingly, moving at a comfortable pace for me, and it's good. It's not nearly hateful or out of spite for herself, but rather simply for the sheer pleasure of making me feel valued and pleased. It's simply amazing, and although I have past memories of it being in vain, this is validated and natural and wonderful.

She cups my breasts gently, looking at me for approval.

_Am I ready for this?_

I chant my mantra in my head, calming myself. _Azarath, metrion, zinthos. Azarath, metrion, zinthos._ This is good. This feels good, this feels right, and I love her.

Yes, I am.

I nod.

She begins to knead them slowly and minimalistically, trying with the best of her ability not to harm me or make me uncomfortable. It feels incredible; the physical side, of course, and the fact that she pays regard to my personal well-being and emotions. She begins to slip her thumbs over my nipples, and I gasp, my head ducking down to rest on her shoulder as she continues her ministrations.

I bring my arms from her neck and stroke her back, encouraging her. She sighs, and I mewl quietly when she pinches me, just barely, and makes up for it by rubbing me again, and it's just… Wow. I didn't… I didn't know that this could feel so good; so unifying. She isn't completely driven by an insatiable, psychotic lust for being touched. All attention is on me, for once.

She tilts her head, nibbling at a juncture on my neck, and I nearly lose it. I go weak in the knees, succumbing to her touch and relying on her muscular body for balance and support, whining as she sucks at the spot. Despite her softness, it's so effective. I've never felt this before. Well, not by someone who I love. _Get these memories out of your head, Raven. They're gone now. You're safe._

"May I?" My hands hover over her own breasts, and she kisses me softly, whispering a "yes" in between.

I give her nearly the same treatment, and she moans, high and punctuated. She's just as sensitive as I am. Our hands move at a steady rhythm, holding each other firmly and occasionally adding more pressure or pinching or teasing or tweaking. By the time she starts to slow down, I'm a panting mess, and I would've been sweating buckets if it weren't for the shower water washing off everything.

But when I really lose it is when she looks me sternly in the eye with the most seductive glare I've ever seen in my entire life, licking her lips suggestively as she reaches below me and begins to run her nimble fingers over my nether lips.

It's incredible.

She continues this for awhile, not having any intention to take in farther than that, and I don't want to, either. Embracing her, just the two of us alone and sharing each other's company is satisfying enough for me. We'll get to more serious things later, but not now. For now, we're both content, and that's all that matters.

She slowly halts the rubbing, administering feathery, open-mouthed kisses along my jawline, trailing her way over to my lips and doing what we did before, her tongue expertly swirling with mine. Our hands separate from where they were, and she cradles me as we do this, not caring about anything except for one another. Our lips and tongues diverge and she grins weakly at me, the exhaustion from our actions settling in oh-so-sweetly, and that's when I clearly realize,

this is the beginning of something beautiful.


	7. Chapter 7- Tugging At Me

Raven's POV-

_The bottle was cold in my hands, but the pills were like lava down my throat. The overbearing amount of them caused the chemicals to burn whatever it came in contact with like acid. I was shaking relentlessly, the pills not even working yet, but rather my nervousness kicking in. Not of dying, but of not dying. My skin burns like a cigarette is pressed to it, cold sweat breaking out all over the surface. Nobody can see me like this. I panic._

_I dart to my closet, hiding in the corner as my body continues to convulse, not having enough strength to close the door. I feel heat clawing at the base of my skull, excruciating pain infesting every nerve in my body. I feel bile rising. I feel the control leaving my body, my vision blurring and everything seeming to slow around me, my eyes fluttering. My breaths come out in spurts, hyperventilating and pained. I f-feel what seems like knives being driven into my ribs, aimlessly c-circling around for good measure._

_I vomit copiously._

_Everything seems like a w-white blur… It's f-foggy and every- everything's spinning around me, my t-thoughts are r-runninnng together a-and… it's… the pa-ain…_

"_Raven?" it's s-soft and… ah… t-too loud… "RAVEN?!" Ah… B-beast… Boy…_

_His a-arms… co-ld on m-my skin a-and he s-shakes me… "RAVEN! R-raven, speak to me!"_

"Raven!" My crying comes to an apex before calming when I sense Starfire next to me in the bed. I'm cradled up against her chest, my knuckles going white with the amount of force I have applied to her nightshirt, my hands clenched into fists. My tears have seeped into her shirt, and she hold me close, cupping the back of my head to bring me closer. "Girlfriend Raven, you had a nightmare…" She looks petrified.

"Ah… Wha- What did I say?" I hope to Azar that I didn't say anything too revealing.

"Y-you were yelling that you were hurt… G-girlfriend Raven, I was s-so very afraid!" She holds back tears, needing to be strong for me.

It seems to be pretty early in the morning. Three, perhaps? There are various articles of clothing and furniture scattered about the room. It must've been bad. I hear shuffling around in the hallways. I probably screamed. It felt real. I feel nauseous.

"I… I'm just so…" My heart is _pounding. _It's as if I can feel the pills in my throat, lingering there idly. She pulls me closer, encouraging me to calm. She kisses my forehead and rubs my back with her free hand like she'd done before. It feels nice, but I'm feeling so extremely sick. My stomach lurches and I double over, hurriedly exiting her embrace to find a trash can. "I'm g-going to vomit.."

That's all I can muster up to say before I heave, kneeling down over the garbage pail, gripping the edges as my stomach empties.

Starfire comes to my aid, rubbing my back again and whispering into my ear. She stays impossibly calm during the whole ordeal, controlling herself with ease. She wipes the sweat off of my forehead, pulling me into her lap and holding me, my stomach flipping again, and she just holds me closer, not allowing me to feel out of control. "It's okay, Raven. I have you. Shhhh-hhh-hhh…" If I wasn't vomiting, I'd be so incredibly turned on by this.

"Ah… I f-feel better now. I'm s-sorry…" She pats my shoulder, reassuring.

"You don't need to apologize. Shh. You're safe…" I never thought that being talked to like this would be so… arousing. It's as if she's encouraging me to feel this way, all the while being comforting and soft and sweet and motherly. "You can tell me about your dream if you'd like." Nope. No way. I love her, so that's why I won't tell her. We're past that and it's not important.

"It's okay, Star… I just want to get back to sleep…" She grins lightly, scooping me up and carrying me back to the bed. She steps back and grabs the trash can. Now I'm embarrassed. "Y-you don't have to do that…" She just waves off my statement, cleaning out the trash can in the sink. It's the most adorably disgusting thing someone's ever done for me.

She gets back soon enough, holding me like she did before; like a baby. Well, after washing her hands, of course. She holds me there like a koala, and I suck on the side of my cloak again, smelling her strawberry hair and feeling her touch. How could I ever be deprived of this sensation? How had I not discovered how she makes me feel earlier? I feel slightly unsettled thinking about that. How could I ever be with a boy, let alone someone other than my Starfire?

Then there's three uniform knocks on the door before someone walks in, disregarding whether or not I've accepted, as I assume I've woken up _at least _our entire hotel suite. I feel my stomach flipping again. Nobody's supposed to know about us yet, and especially not in this situation.

Ah, Beast Boy. He believes that his eyes are deceiving him, me being cradled by Starfire like this. He'd already heard about our language situation, but he'd dismissed the idea since then, not thinking that my feelings would strengthen.

"I'd love to hear every detail." He lights up, being at first startled by the assumed yelling and possibly lurching noises, but soon forgetting when he sees I'm fine. More than fine.

"I wish it didn't have to happen like _this._" I facepalm. He giggles cutely. He's loving this Star and Rae thing. He sits on the end of the bed, his absence of weight causing the mattress to only just barely cave in.

"So, I see you're cuddling,... Bad dream? I heard you yelling. I assume you're fine now. I mean, you've got _her…_" He pats Starfire on her head, and she laughs, smiling and nuzzling into my hair. His heart skips a beat. "Freakin' adorable…"

"Yeeeeaaaaah. Starfire even just cleaned up my puke." I deadpan. The dream is coming back to me now. I ignore my lingering nausea, focusing on Beast Boy's chatter and Starfire's cuddling.

"You puked? That sucks." I nod, taking a fistful of Starfire's hair and putting it by my face. You'd think she was made of fruit if you hadn't seen her shampoo bottles. She squeezes me tighter, kissing my forehead again, signifying our closeness to Beast Boy. Despite her touching me, I'm completely uncomfortable with this whole thing.

Well, I already know that Beast Boy is with Robin, so it's not like that's an issue. What is an issue is what he knows as opposed to Starfire, the fact that I don't usually handle things like this, that I have a huge burden that I have to lug around with me everywhere I go. They both love me, of course, but the situations are different, and it feels awkward for them to clash. "Y-yeah… But I'm fine now! Just fine!" My voice displays a degree of panic that has never been this potent. Who knew that revealing a relationship would be so freaking hard?

"So… You're with Starfire now." His voice seems disbelieving, as if we're just putting on a show for him.

"Yes, Friend Beast Boy! I love Raven very much." I allow myself to giggle into her slightly damp shirt. She admitted it. It wasn't just a customary type thing. It held meaning.

"Do you need any help with…" he coughs, "Um. The mess?" He motions at the torrent of items splayed carelessly and chaotically around the room, embarrassed that he brought it up, but it'd be obvious that he didn't want to upset if he'd not mentioned it.

"We'll worry about that in the morning, Friend Beast Boy. I am comfortable here with Girlfriend Raven." He blushes and his ear twitches at the remark.

"Well, I hope I didn't walk in on anything," he blushes and his ear twitches again as he yawns, "but I might need to hear tomorrow, because I'm tired as hell." I give him a thumbs up, and he exits the room quietly, his footsteps just barely able to be heard from inside the room.

I close my eyes as the rhythmic thud of Starfire's heartbeat slowly lulls me to sleep.

We step through the automatic doors, and I hold on to the edges of my cloak's hood when the wind blows as I walk in. The place is pretty big and considerably fancier than most restaurants I've been to since our arrival one week ago. We have reservations here for dinner, all 5 of us marching in like a bunch of out-of-place idiots. We get some stares, of course, but it's nothing compared to the other reasons that they could be staring at us for. Who'd have thought that we'd end up being a tower full of gay teenagers? Well, except for Cyborg. He's not really into the whole idea of romance. He's got his car and his tools and that's all he really needs.

Starfire pulls back a chair for me, allowing me to sit as she takes her seat beside me, and Cyborg cocks an eyebrow. This is new to him, also.

The rest of the boys sit, Robin next to Beast Boy, and Cyborg next to Beast Boy, also. We wait there for awhile with the occasional chitter-chatter, until, that is, Cyborg just can't hold in his questions anymore.

"Alright, what are you girls tryin' to pull?" Starfire nervously takes my hand from under the table, needing my touch this time. We know about Robin and Beast Boy, but we don't know how Cyborg will react. "You alright, Rae?"

Beast Boy and Robin nod uniformly from across the table, Starfire and I look at one another, and she nods her approval. We hold up our interlocked hands, Starfire trying desperately to hold back a smile that's threatening to creep up her lips. "We're a couple now."

Cyborg just laughs prolifically, and this confuses Starfire _and _I, but Robin and Beast Boy seem to be unphased. "We're not kidding." I give him a dead stare, taking him out of his reverie.

He pulls himself together, hands clasped on the table. "I know you're not kidding. It's _about time!"_ Starfire blushes, not knowing how to react.

"Wh-whaa?" I manage, out of my confusion. He claps his hands, smiling widely.

"We all knew you'd liked each other long before you'd even admit you were gay. It was so obvious that we didn't question it!" All three of the boys smirk, and both of us girls blush. Was it really that obvious? I should have known! "For someone who's so in tune with her emotions, you're pretty naive when it comes to love, Rae." Cyborg muses, cackling.

"Hey! Star's the naive one!" I hold her hand up higher, laughing with Cyborg.

...Laughing? Genuine laughter? I haven't done that in awhile.

"This is adorable. I think you two are so different from each other that it's crazy and sweet and wonderful. I'm so happy for you two." We both smile at each other, and I lean in, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips, relieved that this went so smoothly.

However, we're not here to discuss our relationship. We're here to eat our dinner together in newfound understanding and acceptance. The food arrives soon enough, and we chat as we eat, discussing normal, everyday complications, and just being ourselves. Because we can. Because it feels good.

Beast Boy, of course, is eating vegetarian sushi, and Starfire decided on lobster, Robin indulges in a seafood platter, Cyborg feasts on a steak, and I ordered another salad, not wanting to upset my stomach again.

_I hid in my room and waited for them to work, and a couple hours in, Beast Boy tried to talk to me and didn't hear me, so he came in anyway and found me on the floor shaking and vomiting._

No. None of this. Calm. You're okay. I squeeze Starfire's hand, and she rubs her thumb over mine.

"So, BB, how's your love life? Do you have anyone?" He visibly panics, quickly recovering, however, and takes a deep breath, winking at Robin slyly. Nobody else would've been able to see it, but I have a sixth sense for minor disturbances. I kind of have to. But, nonetheless, I'm thankful for the diversion.

"Nah. I don't have anyone. I'm not really interested in dating right now." I know that Robin understands his little fib. He's not too sure he's ready to come out yet either. I wouldn't be if it weren't for the situations being forced. There wasn't a way to get around it.

"Man, I always thought you were such a lady killer. I'm so surprised." _Well, Cyborg, look who's naive?_ Beast Boy panics again. I can feel it tugging at me. I create a distraction this time. The subliminality of this whole ordeal is uncomfortable.

"How's everyone's food?" Everyone looks at me as if I'd interrupted a professional meeting, and I just go wide-eyed, wondering what I was thinking.

_You're helping out the boy who saved your life, you idiot._ Oh, yeah.

"My lobster is glorious!" Starfire chimes in, patting the table to emphasize.

"This shrimp is prepared perfectly." Robin speaks up stoically, being quite uncomfortable also. However, he is good at hiding things, as he's said.

"The food here is pretty great. Japanese food back at Jump is still great, but this is straight out of the city of origin. It's awesome." I spoke up, Starfire providing me courage. It's almost as if we're connected somehow, other than our hands. She's almost like an organ functioning in my body, something vital and necessary.

We finish up relatively quickly, our food being so good that we couldn't slow down enough to elaborate our time here. We start piling our dishes on one another in the middle of the table, Robin asking for the bill (and Starfire not wanting to reveal her Japanese, as Cyborg is aware of Tamaranian issues and doesn't want to imply anything more than what's been said) and slipping in a credit card. Thank Azar for his adoptive parents' financial support, or we'd all be broke and on the streets. I spend all of my money on books and various things.

When I stack my plate on top of the others, I drop my fork on the ground. "Um, sorry. I'll get that."

When I bend down, I pull back the tablecloth to find my fork. In my search, I find Beast Boy and Robin's hands being held tightly by one another, their fingers intertwined intimately. I can't help but smile. I come back up, placing my fork on the plate, passing an indiscreet smirk. I mouth, "I already knew," hoping to calm Beast Boy, giving the boys a thumbs up. They both smile wider than I thought they could. Cyborg goes completely unaware.

For once, ignorance has brought us indescribable happiness.


	8. Chapter 8- Uncomfortably Wonderful

**EXPLICIT CONTENT AHEAD**

Although I love the city, taxi cabs aren't really my thing. It's expected that you talk to whoever you're riding with to fill the atmosphere, but it's difficult for me. The awkwardness can't be escaped, however, so I just try to look out of the window at all of the things going on, the views filling me with vigor and vitality. It's so active here, and although chaos bothers me, it's just the right dose. I like it.

"Girlfriend Raven, are you alright?" I'm riding in a cab with Starfire, the boys going off to their own. I have a feeling that they staged that, hoping things would happen between us. Or maybe it's my subconscious telling me. I'm not sure.

"I'm fine, Starfire. I just love looking at all of the action around here." She sighs, taking my hand. It seems like we're naturally inclined to touch one another in one way or another, just to feel as close as possible.

"Is not the city so bright and lively? It makes me so excited!" Starfire squeals. Usually I'd be irritated, like when we first arrived, but seeing her happy makes me happy as well.

"It's very beautiful, Starfire." She rests her chin on my shoulder like she did in the park, looking at me with those hypnotizing green eyes, filled with insatiable curiosity.

"As much as I'd like to see, my eyes can't seem to stay off of yours. You're so beautiful, Girlfriend Raven." Her voice was reduced to a purring whisper. It was unnecessarily seductive, but she soon realizes the effect it has on me and starts playing along. "Your eyes, your pale skin, it's all just so perfect." You can't do this here. I try to shrug off my lewd feelings, playing with her hair as a distraction.

"Months ago, I couldn't have ever imagined being with you, but now that I am, it feels unnatural for us to be separated. You provide me with the comfort I crave." She reaches her free arm across my chest, rubbing mine. I shiver.

"I never thought that these rituals would bring us so close. I've never felt this close to anyone before…" Her voice trails off as she lightly traces my arm with her fingers, goosebumps raising at the contact. I feel a familiar pulse ravaging through my body, my mind releasing an overwhelming amount of sensations that I haven't felt this intensely before. It's uncomfortably wonderful.

"We're a-almost here." I manage, deadpan as usual, but my voice cracks. She knows what she's doing.

"I can't wait to get back, Girlfriend Raven…" Her voice comes out as a soft hiss. I feel arousal rampaging through my body now as her fingers continue to wander, heat pooling at my center and throbbing. It needs to be satisfied.

She pulls me into the hotel, her hands touching various things on our way to the elevator, lingering and sweeping there just a tad bit too long. She smirks at the elevator button, excited to press it this time for completely different reasons.

She takes both of my hands, looking down on me, and leans her forehead against mine. "I love you, Rachel Roth." I lean up against the edge of the elevator, and Starfire nudges the button with her elbow, never taking her eyes off of me. She bites her lip, and I bite mine.

"I love you, too, Koriand'r."

She pulls me in by my hands, quickly snaking an arm around me and pulling me closer. She tilts her head, capturing my lips, and we stand there, opening and closing and opening our mouths, sucking on each other's lips. Eventually, she deepens, grazing her long tongue across my bottom lip, and I open my mouth, allowing her. This is good.

She probes shallowly into my mouth, tentatively circulating her tongue inside my mouth, and I join, adding my tongue to the equation. We merely sweep each other, her hands rubbing my back like she does, and I revert to being completely comfortable. This isn't nearly bad. This feels amazing.

Her fingertips just barely come up under my shirt, toying with the hem, breaking away slowly when the door opens. We agonizingly separate our mouths, and she takes my hand, gently tugging me into the hotel room after she expertly opens the door. It's convenient.

The boys are already there. They'd probably been waiting for us, as our taxi came a few minutes after theirs, and they stare as we walk through the door.

"Hello, Friends! We are going to go change. We're very tired after this day." Starfire chimes in to my rescue. It's believable, too, because I'd been vomiting earlier. I stop thinking about that. It's killing the mood and I need some relief.

She pulls me into the room playfully, sitting on the bed and pulling me into her lap so I'm facing her, and we resume our kissing, tongues swirling and lips brushing. She rubs my back again. It's unusually comforting.

_I was tied up, bound and gagged in a remote area. I didn't know where, exactly, but that wasn't my main issue. He unzips my leotard from behind, the sound resonating throughout the room, and tortures my naked body as if I'm his toy. Maybe I am._

_His hands drift, harshly groping at me and hitting me when I'd cry for help. I gave up trying to shout, because that'd only result in more pain. For awhile, I felt nothing. I couldn't see anything; the room was pitch black. Then I feel the sensation I'd been dreading as something enters me…_

"Starfire, wait." I spit it out, my heart throbbing in all the wrong ways now.

"Girlfriend Raven…" She waits, clutching on my arms.

"P-please don't hurt me…" She looks pained now. I feel bad for scaring her like that. This isn't her fault. She loves me.

_You are ready._

I rest my arms weakly on her shoulders, the remaining parts of my arms dangling limply. "Please be gentle."

She places a warm kiss on my lips, waiting there and blowing her breath over the lower half of my face unintentionally, causing me to flood with anticipation.

Her slow hands precautiously remove the straps to my shirt, pulling them past my shoulders. I turn away to pull the shirt all the way off, and when I leave, she pulls hers off, too, making it equal and comfortable. She pulls me in her lap again, this time facing away, and cradles me as she coos into my ear, nibbling on my neck slightly and trailing her fingertips to my breasts. She hesitates, making sure I'm okay. It takes every fiber of my being not to have a repeat of this morning with the objects flying throughout the room. If it weren't for Starfire's nurturing, I wouldn't be doing this.

I whimper when the memories continue to force themselves into my mind. She realizes I'm clearly upset and speaks softly. "Shh-hhh-hhh. It's okay. I have you, Raven. You are safe." She repeats these reassuring words as she cups me, kneading softly and brushing her thumbs over my nipples, holding me close. I can feel her heartbeat on my back, and I focus on the steady, pulsing rhythm, slowly forgetting.

She removes my pants at a slow pace, occupying my neck as she does so, and I release low, velvety sounds from the back of my throat. This is beginning to feel normal. The pants are finally off, and I shift my weight so that she can do the same, and both of the articles of clothing are quickly forgotten. It's simple, but it feels good to let it go. She hoists me up again, holding me steadily, and resumes her activity. I cry out softly. "You are doing great. I am proud of you. Just relax….." Her breath is hot on my ear.

It's getting harder to take. I love my Starfire, and I want to hear her moaning as I am, calling out my name and writhing in pleasure underneath my dripping body. The past is in the past. I'm safe. She has me, and I want to have her as well. "Good, good…"

Her hand drifts lower and lower and lower until her fingertips end up just under the waistband of my underwear, testing to make sure I'm okay with this. She waits for a second.

"Please, Starfire…"

She slips under the fabric, kneading one breast still as her other hand toys with the throbbing nerve cluster at my core, and the pace she moves at gives me just enough time to register the sensations and feel them overtake me. I feel myself shuddering, her breathing steady on my exposed neck. She just barely speeds up her rubbing at my center, and I whimper, the change being bearable; surprisingly pleasurable. "That's it… You've got it, Raven." I allow myself to let go and enjoy it; _her_ touch.

She prods at me, and I take a deep breath. _Breathe. That's good. This is all good._

She slips in a finger, pulling herself up against the pillows, and I rest on her body like it's a lounge chair. She methodically pumps her finger, creating a steady rhythm that I can keep up with, my hips bucking into her ministrations. I reach my arms behind me, grabbing her head from in front of her; needing to touch her for myself. "It's okay, I have you… I have you…"

She continues her kneading and pumping, and I find myself needing more. I need her touch. I need her reassurance. I need her to mother me even more. I pull the hand from my chest and set it where the other one is, urging her to touch me. She does. She rubs small circles, causing me to throw my head back in ecstasy. I crave her. I need this. I pull myself as close as I can get, her mouth working on a juncture on my neck, and I almost come undone.

Her voice is soft and calming, the sound effortlessly rolling off of her tongue.

"Good girl. It's okay..."

Her voice; her breath on my neck, her reassuring words are just enough for me to come undone at this point.

I shudder, her voice vibrating into every single nerve in my body, and I ride this out with her, feeling her hair and skin. I feel myself leak, and she acknowledges this too, as she hops down to my abdomen, setting me on the bed and wrapping an arm around my waist as she slips off my underwear and cleans me up with her tongue. I twitch, going into a second apex as she focuses on her work by my legs.

I find myself working up the energy to kiss her, slipping my hands over her breasts and hear her high, punctuated noises as I work on her, kissing her neck as she sits up on the bed, watching me. I slip one hand under her underwear, feeling the heat and wetness growing there, and I slip in two fingers as she cries out.

I soon have her all worked up, bucking her hips and grinding on my hands. Her body shakes, needing this right now. I quickly whip off her underwear. I slither down, blowing cold air over her and tentatively swiping my tongue on her. She squeals. _She loves it._

I kiss her and lick her and create a steady pace, waiting for her to finally crack. I trace my tongue around her more slowly this time, building her up before speeding up my thrusts and licking quicker.

"R-Raven!.." Her fluids run out slowly, and I give her the same treatment, licking up until satisfied, and then embraced her, engaging in a passionate kiss as she holds me again.

We don't bother to even put on night clothes. We simply slip the covers over ourselves while I cuddle close to her chest, her heartbeat calming me as it usually does.

"I love you, Raven." I hug her tighter.

"I love you, Ko'ri." She kisses my forehead, none of us really having the energy to stay awake.

Never did I think that I would enjoy acts of intimacy like this. With my past, I always looked upon things like this with much hatred, hoping I'd never come to the point where these things are expected. But there's something about Starfire, the way she talks to me, the way she's always paying regard to my feelings, the way she touches me with no hint of ferocity whatsoever that makes me believe, at least a little, that this is all going to be okay. Nobody could ever take this feeling away from me. Not even my attackers could keep me from loving her.

Of course, I'm not entirely comfortable with this part of our relationship, but, given Starfire's calming, reassuring nature, it makes it more okay. Nothing feels forced at this point. If I didn't want to do this, she would've understood and stopped, and she doesn't even know why all of this makes me so uncomfortable. She just loves me and cares about me and my privacy and has only one priority; to make me happy, and doesn't pay attention to anything else until that's achieved.

The situations are different now. Yes, I do have to keep reminding myself that this is okay and natural and that she loves me, but it's fine. It's worth the initial discomfort to be able to be close to her; to touch her, to love her, and allow these things, because I enjoy them and my past can't keep me from that fact.

She can only hold me like this for a little while until it comes time for us to separate again.

_But I can hold onto her heart forever._

~AUTHOR'S NOTE~

I've got some smut going on now, but it's not even close to ending. There will be more angst that's necessary to strengthen the girls' relationship even more, which is why the PTSD-type things were introduced earlier. It wouldn't make sense for the future events to happen if you didn't know about the angst earlier.

And then there will be more smut, just for good measure. Hehehe. ;)


	9. Chapter 9- It's Platonic

~AUTHOR'S NOTE~

This chapter dives more into Robin and Raven's relationship and their struggles. Not much direct romance between Starfire and Raven, but their conversation evokes new feelings in Raven. ANGST. Loads of PTSD-type things and flashbacks. Might be triggering for some.

_The dankness of the room only worsens the situation. It reminds me more and more the the events that I'm here for. It's heavily locked, and I'm tired and really needing to just go home after such a hard time. I'm tired of all of the questions. They're just putting me through emotional trauma again. I can almost feel the wounds on my skin opening up and bleeding all over._

"_Mrs. Roth, we're sorry for holding you here for so long. We understand your situation and that this is hard for you, but we need you to look at the picture so we can help you." My stomach flips. I shouldn't be doing this right now._

"_No. And I don't need your help." My eyes are squeezed shut tightly, my head turned and hands clutched in a chokehold on the sides of the chair. I really need to get out of here. I need to leave. I'm not the one who should be locked up._

"_Ma'am, the sooner you do this, the sooner we can get you out of here and back home." I turn my head to the table, my eyes still shut, and take note of my extreme migraine and neck pain. My wrists are still bruised. I'm beaten pretty badly. It's a good thing I have a full-body leotard._

"_I don't want to. It hurts." I feel like crawling out of my own skin; like something's clawing at me. I feel like taking something- anything- and doing whatever I can to myself to just finish the job and destroy myself. I want to rip my own body to shreds in front of everyone and make them watch. I want everyone to see the nothing that they've reduced me to. I want to bleed out and lather the blood on everything. I want to destroy the entire world with my own bare hands and beat myself with the remains. I'm angry. I'm tired._

_I'm done with this._

_I open my eyes, tears dripping down my face and mixing with the minor cuts and blood, and I wince, looking at this picture. I scream. I scream as loud as my vocal chords can allow; as long as my lungs have air for. I clutch my hands at my sides, pounding on my head with my own bruised fists until it feels like my brain can't take any more damage, and I cry, my voice blown out for the most part. I can barely even see through the tears and blurred vision, and my entire body aches, almost ready to give out right there. I curl my legs up to my chest, trying to calm long enough to answer. I take a deep breath._

"_That's him."_

_They take the picture back, satisfied with my answer. They wait there wordlessly, waiting until I'm under control and can actually leave._

_I don't care who sees me. I don't care if anyone gives a damn about how I look and how much of a fool I'm making of myself. I want to rip the hair out of my head and bruise every single square inch of my body. I want to hurt the people that wronged me and take myself away from them. They will pay. I will make them sorry. Everyone who ever wronged me will want to do the same, but they won't have the courage like I did, because they will never hurt as much as me._

_I hit myself with my own two aching fists right in front of these people. I feel every single hateful, angry blow inflicted upon myself, craving the next one and the next one even more every time. I want to feel myself dying. I want to feel as the life is taken out of me. I scream over and over at the top of my lungs with a psychotic rage, sweat breaking out all over my body. _

_I want more. I want to feel more. I want knives and pills and ropes and guns and anything to finish the job. Nobody else is going to decide my death. I will take whatever is left of me by myself because it wasn't their fucking right in the first place._

_I will take my own life._

_I leave there once my energy is nearly completely depleted, my eyes and lips swollen from crying and body beaten. I told them nothing about wanting to leave the earth because they don't need to. It's none of their business. I'm going home and will finish it there. I want to take every last pill in the cabinet and lock myself up until I die and make everyone find my dead body; lying there lifeless. And they will deal with it. I want to destroy myself and do anything humanly possible to mutilate everything that I was given because it's worthless now._

_Nobody heard me when I walked in. I told them I'd be gone for awhile, and didn't know how long, and they left it at that, given my depressed mood. I go straight to the kitchen, searching around frantically and slamming drawers until I find the one holding everyone's pills. I don't care what they're for. _

_I open every single cap, throwing them down my throat and swallowing them dry while I reach for the next and the next and the next. I throw the bottles on the floor and the wall and destroy them, punching them until my knuckles bleed and they're merely shards on the floor._

_I had taken all of them. Every last one. Not one pill was left. The bottles are destroyed._

_I pace around the kitchen for awhile. I just stand there thinking about nothing in particular, laughing uncharacteristically at how I'd be dead in under an hour. I clapped my hands together, cackling and talking to myself. My legs start to shake, my hands and arms following, until my whole body was a convulsing mess, my hands balled into fists and unintentionally hitting myself and whatever I came close to._

_I feel this unusual burning down my entire throat and into my stomach. I feel my insides scalding my entire body from the inside out. I love it. I grunt and groan and growl and make whatever noises I can as I start to stumble to the floor, my legs curling under me. My skin is on fire. My mouth opens as if I'm trying to yell, but nothing comes out. I feel like i'm being choked._

_I stumble over to my room, opening the door clumsily and hitting walls as I crawl over to my bed. I cough. I feel my stomach doing flips like it did in the investigation room. I can't make it to my bed. I'll die in my closet. It's cold and dark and small and perfect._

_I writhe over there, my body sweating and spasming and jerking and thrashing. I drag my knees to my chest, curling up as I heave and begin to vomit. I don't care. I leave it there and laugh hysterically every time it happens. I love it. I love this. I'm dying. It's finally happening._

"_SCREW YOU! SCREW THIS AND SCREW EVERYONE! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE!"_

_I yell. They'll hear me before I die. They'll hear me yelling and won't be able to do anything. They'll watch as I die in front of them. Everyone will know I'm dead and hurt because of it._

_I bite the side of my cloak, sucking on the fabric. Maybe this will help with the nausea. _

_My stomach feels empty. I haven't eaten in awhile. I can see the undigested pills in my vomit. I cry. They need to work. This needs to work. I need to die._

_I hear someone banging the door. They've heard me. They can't find me. I have to die and this has to work and I have to feel this pain. They yell on the other side of the door. My vision blurs. Everything is starting to seem plain and fuzzy and everything is turning white. M-y breathing is erratic and forced. My l-lungs feel like they're c-collapsing in on themselves. I vomit again. I hit the floor w-weakly with my hands, trying t-to speed this up._

_They don't care anymore. They physically kick d-down the door… and they walk in and I can't see and I l-laugh weakkly again and they s-scream lloudly and I c-celebrate my near death… I f-feel the hands g-grabbing at…. at m-my arms…_

"_Raven?" it's s-soft and… ah… t-too loud… "RAVEN?!" Ah… B-beast… Boy…_

_His a-arms… co-ld on m-my skin a-and he s-shakes me… "RAVEN! R-raven, s-speak to me!"_

_H-he… this b-boy lifts m-me and tries t-to pick me upp… And h-he is carry… he carries m-me somewhere… I try t-to pry m-myself offf of himm…. and hitting…_

"_RAVEN… Y-you are not FUCKING DYING ON ME!" I t-try to cover my earss because…. he-e's too… too loud… "Do not DIE! YOU CAN NOT DIE!"_

_His t-tears… they hit me a-and it burn-ns… I scream… and h-he… I don't k-know who t-this… this is… carrying m-me and a d-door… opening…_

_The b-boy throws… he throws me into a c-car and talking o-on the phone…_

"_She's dying… F-fuck… Holy fuck she's FUCKING ALMOST DEAD! M-my fucking BEST FRIEND IS DYING I-IN FRONT OF ME!" He yells i-into the… it's t-too blurry…_

_I-it vibbrates u-under mme… and… it's-s too… ahh… "HOLY… FUCK! SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S FUCKING DEAD!" He s-sobs… and I-I don't… It's over..._

_It's over._

"It obviously wasn't." I suck on the side of my cloak. He'll think differently about it now that he knows where it comes from.

"I'm glad. I'm so. Fucking. Glad." Robin sits next to me in an empty cafe. We wanted to talk, but not in front of anyone. There really wasn't another place to go. "I love you like a sister. You know that, right?"

"Yes. I do. I didn't then." My voice is slightly muffled by the cloak, but I still keep it in my mouth. We sit at a bar, not necessarily an "alcohol bar," but one that overlooks the city streets. Starfire is back with the guys at the hotel playing video games for the rest of the day. They need to wind down a bit, and I gave up my time to talk to Robin, because this is important for the both of us.

"What did Beast Boy say that you did? I mean, it was only what you felt like. Maybe things were different?" I take a deep breath. _You're doing this to get over it, Raven._

"Um. Well, he said that I was pretty out of it." I hesitate.

"What do you mean?" He rests his sleeved arms on the countertop.

"I was laughing. I was laughing hysterically and tried to hurt him when he tried to carry me to the car, and I was yelling that 'it's almost done' and was hitting my own body weakly as if I had absolutely no energy left and was running on fumes."

"Why did he think you were dead?" I pinch the bridge of my nose. I told him to just keep asking me questions if he wanted to until I said no more, and I'm not saying 'no more' until I'm in tears in a ball on the ground because I'm doing this. Right now.

"I went unconscious. I wasn't moving at all, and if I was actually breathing, I was just barely breathing. He said that he never stopped crying." I look Robin straight in the eyes. I can feel his discomfort. It's hard finding out that your best friend used to feel… like this.

"What about when you were in the hospital?" He looks intent now, listening to me talking and needing to hear everything. Not because he's selfish, but because he actually cares.

"I was pretty out of it. I didn't really react to seeing that I was alive still, and they wanted to keep it that way, so I wouldn't relapse. I didn't talk or eat until my fourth day there, and Beast Boy had his own little bed that he'd sleep on every night next to me, and he didn't leave my side. He said he'd have little conversations with me even though I wouldn't answer until he fell asleep." Robin smiles pitifully.

"That's really sad and sweet at the same time." I chew at the fabric some more. I'm surprised that I haven't blown through five cloaks already.

"Yeah. He's really great. Platonically, of course. But he's pretty much my brother. I'm thrilled that you have him." He smiles in his reverie, thinking of him.

"And now you have Starfire. She's really great, too." He brings her up, and our conversation lightens a little. You can't be depressed when you think about that little ball of 'let me make you happy.'

"I really love her. And was it always that obvious?" He laughs under his breath.

"You would flip out every time she hugged you or held your hand or anything. You said you just didn't like hugs or something but we could all tell that you were just denying yourself. I blush.

"Um. Well, that's embarrassing." The entire right side of the hood is soaked. He frowns at it.

"You know, you don't have to do that anymore." I nod, staring out the window.

"It just helps, I guess." I take the cloak in my hands, squeezing the fabric. "We've all got our kicks." He clasps his hands.

"Most definitely. I know I'm got mine." He mouths 'control' over and over again.

"I get it now, Robin. I'm sorry for being insensitive. It's not like me." He crosses his arms and legs, watching me, but I don't turn my head.

"I understand, Raven." He realises the tension now. I start to feel awkward because he is going to try to talk and I kind of just want to sit and brood like a customary Raven.

"So, um. You and Starfire…" He clears his throat.

"Um, what?" He's clearly anxious.

"How have you not blown up the entire hotel from being with her?" Does he know about…? Oh Azar. No.

"...The hell?" I look at him again, squinting my eyes as if I can see through his vagueness.

"Well, I didn't think you'd handle intimacy too well to begin with, and hearing all of this just makes it sound even more difficult." My eyes widen. Whaaaa?

"Do you mean like…?"

"...Yeah." He looks at his lap. Sex? Really?

"It's fine. I've only broken, like, two things so far. And you shouldn't be asking about it in… Here." I motion around. He raises an eyebrow.

"We're kind of going over your whole PTSD story here, Raven. I didn't think that it was such a wild question, considering that trust issues is the whole thing that this stems from." He drums his fingers on the table.

"Yeah, I get it. She's just… Really calm and stuff. It's hard to freak out when… Um. Robin, could we not?" I snap out of my dream. He just laughs.

"No, I urge you to continue. Please, do tell me…" He comedically gets up into a stoic position, traditional of his.

"Okay then, Dick." He cringes. "How is Beast Boy at French kissing? Is he rough or slow in bed? Does he wait until you moan his na-" He covers my mouth with his hand.

"Point taken, point taken! Sheesh." I laugh when he releases my mouth. This is interesting, how we switch topics so easily.

"But, all innuendos and such aside…" I trail off.

"What's that?"

"You love him, right?" He blushes, his fingers interlocking as he oh-so-easily slips back into his little daydreams.

"Very, very much. Yes." He leans back in his chair, sighing.

"Y-you keep him safe, alright?" I become nervous. Sometimes we forget that others are susceptible to these traumas, too.

"Of course. That's why I'm here." He smiles. His expression then softens, and he sits up again.

"You protect Starfire, and I'll take care of Beast Boy." He speaks up, after a minute or two. We're getting lost in the city sights.

"Yes. We will protect our lovers as platonic friends together." He chuckles.

"Yes, we will."

We just kind of sit there for the rest of our time, sipping on tea and such as we slowly forget everything. I'm already feeling better about explaining some of my history to someone. It's like it's off of my chest, and like I can let it out, leave it behind, and enjoy my life with Starfire and my friends again without the burden and the memories.

_I love you, Rachel Roth._

And I will protect her with all that I have left.


	10. Chapter 10- Hair Clips

Starfire's POV

(I decided to switch things up a little. I think that people would enjoy seeing her perspective on things that are going on right now, and maybe it'd give everyone some insight on why she's so calm and set on being nice to Raven, regardless of the situation or what she knows about Raven's PTSD.)

Raven looks simply stunning with the moonlight shining on her. Her skin looks so smooth, and has this radiance that I can easily describe as magnificent. Her hair is the most beautiful shade of purple, and it brings out her eyes in the most astonishing way. She's so shapely and petite, also, and it makes me want to just scoop her up and hold her forever. I hope she knows how beautiful she is.

Sometimes I think she feels like she's not worth my time, and she doesn't deserve to feel like that. Komand'r took all of my self-worth away from me. I can't let Raven feel the same.

She sits on her hotel bed, reading a book with her legs crossed, and I sit next to her, idly swinging my legs off of the edge to pass time. I do not want to bother her with my questions any longer. Although, I do love to hear her voice. She sounds so calm, and it makes me calm.

"Starfire?" She breaks me out of my daydream, still looking down at the pages in her lap.

"Yes, Girlfriend Raven?" She seems upset. Oh, no. She cannot be upset. I will not allow that. I have to stay calm for her.

"Um.." She clears her throat nervously. "Do you really love me, Star?" I know without a doubt that I do, with all of my heart. I love her more than I've ever loved anybody. But still, why would she feel the need to ask these things? Do I not make her feel loved?

"Of course I do, Raven! Why?" She folds her book, but still stares at her lap, deep in contemplation.

"I just… I don't know. I'm not used to being in such a relationship. I just don't… Nevermind." She is clearly upset. What happened? Is there not something I can do to help?

"No, it is fine. Keep going." I set my hand on her shoulder. Maybe this will help her understand that I am listening.

"Well, I haven't exactly always been treated nicely by people. I just… I didn't know if you wanted to… to use me." She is trying to tell me something. As much as I would like to hear, my main priority is making sure that she is not sad. I need to distract her somehow.

"I don't know how everyone does not love you." I squeeze her shoulder, and she finally turns her head to look me in the eyes.

"...Why?" Her voice is contaminated with a childlike softness; fear. Her words sound choked.

"Because you are just… You have always helped me. I was confused with myself, and you promised to be with me every step of the way. You were. Now, I could not be happier. And, you've always been a great friend, even before all of this mess. Even if you were a bit sarcastic."

She chuckles softly. "You were the one person that I could always rely on for everything. If I needed someone to trust during a difficult time, you would always be the first person I'd go to. You still are, and hopefully always will be."

Raven simply turns around, sitting with her legs crossed in front of me, and grabs my cheeks, looking me straight in the eyes.

"I will always be there."

She leans in, catching my lips, and kisses me gently. She breaks away, looking me in the eyes again; those eyes that I love. "Always."

"...Always." A single tear rolls down her cheek.

Why is it that we're always so emotional? I wish that she would tell me the root cause of her upset so that I could help. I fear that I can't. But regardless, wouldn't it make her feel better to know that her girlfriend is aware of her past and can help her in times when she's reminded? I really hope that I don't upset her.

Right. I will not. She will tell me when the time comes.

I do not want to trouble her with my problems, either, although I do wish that I could tell her about what my captors did to me. They really did toy with you. Emotionally, physically, sexually... But I will not let Raven feel uncomfortable around me. I just want her to be happy, as I was not. Happy, happy, happy. I love happy Raven.

Even Blackfire was abusive. She wants me dead, I'm sure. I have no family left to rely on, so I will make Raven my family. I will love her more than anyone else ever loved me. She is precious. She should never have to feel worthless again.

She clutches my shoulders weakly, her head resting on me. I love it how she holds onto me like this. I feel like a protective mother. She plays with a lock of my hair in one of her hands, and I blush, but she can't see. I wonder if she ever notices how flustered I get when I'm around her.

Is it time?

Yes.

I take the barrette out of my pocket, opening the thing between my finger of my free hand, and I slip it in her hair. She turns around, looking at the large mirror in front of our beds, inspecting it.

"This is f-for me?" I smile broadly.

"It's a Raven."

"With an amethyst stone!" She actually smiles.

"Yes!"

She throws herself at me again, hugging me tighter than she ever has before. She starts sniffing. What did I do wrong? Why is she upset? Did I offend her? Is this another one of her visions?

"Girlfriend Raven, are you okay?" She presses a chaste kiss to my neck.

"...Thank you."

I love her, but I will never understand her emotions.

~AUTHOR'S NOTE~

Short, obviously, but still sweet. More chapters to come. ^_^


	11. Chapter 11- Kick-ass Legs

Raven's POV-

I'm still wearing the hairpiece. I might not ever have the willpower to take it off.

We've had a long day. I went to a couple of shops with Starfire, we all went to lunch, took in dinner, and we're now all socializing (for the most part) in the living room of the hotel. The boys are playing video games, occasionally stealing glances at Starfire and I to see what we're up to. We've only tomorrow until we have to leave Tokyo and go back to Jump City, so we're trying to cram every last activity into only the last few days.

Robin is lying on the couch longways, taking up most of the space, his legs draped over Beast Boy's lap and head tilted to the side as he watches the other two boys play their game. Cyborg seems only the least bit phased by the boys' contact. Maybe they told Cyborg about their relationship. Either that, or his ass is going to be in the fire when he finds out because he called me "_pretty naive when it comes to love, Rae._" Tch.

It's really endearing, though. It seems so obvious why they'd be perfect for each other, now. Beast Boy is fun-loving, social, easygoing, free-spirited, and kind to everyone, and Robin is more calm, reserved, private, professional, and just a tad neurotic at the same time. They balance out each other nicely, and not in the opposites attract sense. They're not opposites by any means, but rather just have differing qualities that they can use to help each other. Like, Beast Boy's extraversion can come in handy when Robin doesn't know who to talk to. It's important that he has that, too, given his difficulties.

Starfire and I are in the kitchen. She sits on a stool, and I sit on top of the counter. Unlikely for me to be that casual, but it's a nice change. She talks to me about various things she'd seen earlier relentlessly, not letting me get a word in edgewise, as always. It seems stupid, but I listen to every word she says and remember it. I love it when she talks to me, unsure if I even care what she has to say, so I listen, even if she doesn't know. It's the little things.

"Yo, Rae! C'mere." Beast Boy hollers from across the room, and I haphazardly jump off of the counter, nearly knocking down Starfire's glass of water on my way. Thank Azar for telekinesis. Robin props himself up on his elbows, legs crossing on Beast Boy's lap. I hold up my hand to Star, telling her silently that I'll be back in a second.

"What is it?" He shifts, draping his arm along the back of the couch and motioning.

"Come here and sit. It'll be fun." I eye Starfire, tilting my head to the couch, and she floats over happily, leaning over the edge and watching whatever game they're playing.

"What is it about you and making me do things that I don't want to, eh?" I cross my arms, taking a seat on the edge of the couch, so as not to crush Robin's face.

"If you didn't want to, you wouldn't have listened, mama."

"Entirely untrue. I do this because I know you won't stop until I do." He smirks, eyes rarely straying from the enormous TV screen.

"That's because you don't like fun, Raven." I snarl slightly, glancing at him playfully.

"I do like fun. However, I don't consider watching you play a pointless game on the television while Robin sleeps on you 'fun'." I poke Robin's head for emphasis.

"What _do _you find fun?" Starfire lays herself over the edge of the couch, slumping over the side, her bright red hair waterfalling and pooling on the cushions. She languishly listens to our conversation, uncharacteristically quiet.

"Solitude, reading, being around the redhead…" Starfire catapults herself over the couch, repositioning to sit next to Beast Boy, the line-up being myself, half of Robin, Beast Boy and the other half of Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg.

"See? That's not fun," Beast Boy jokes. Robin chuckles from right by my lap, the vibrations reverberating through the high-set ceilings.

"You can't validate an opinion. In mine, it's fun."

"Look at you getting fancy with your vocab!" Robin retorts, trying to loosen me up a bit.

"You just got 'fancy' all over the couch!" Beast Boy quips in return, lifting one of Robin's legs to demonstrate.

"Can I just go back to the room?" I pinch the bridge of my nose, doubting the maturity of our team.

"No!" Robin speaks up again.

"I wasn't talking to you. It was rhetorical." I stand up, getting ready to go back to the room when Starfire grips my wrist in a rash attempt to get me to stay. Damn those eyes. They're so wide that I can't help but sit back down, but Starfire doesn't let go of my hand.

"Could you all please get off of me? Mr. Fancy Legs over here was enough in the first place, and now I've got redhead and gothy pilin' on me too!" He desperately tries to wriggle out of the contact, unnecessarily, as Starfire and I let go mere seconds after, and he continues his button-pressing barrage.

"You know you like my fancy legs, BB." Robin says languidly.

"Yeah, just not draped against my entire lap while I'm playing video games." Cyborg chuckles from across the couch, missing not a single step in the game for this entire conversation.

"You're such a nerd." Robin pokes at Beast Boy's chest, to which he completely turns his head for the first time during the conversation.

"Shut up. If anyone's a nerd, it's gothy over there." I roll my eyes.

"Leave me out of your 'fancy legs' argument, alright?"

"But my legs are pretty kick-ass, Rae." He flexes, lifting his leg up off of Beast Boy's lap, and Beast Boy pushes it back down in response.

"My legs are far superior to yours." I pick a fight. I'm getting so bored that I think this might be the only thing keeping me here. Other than Starfire's stupid, adorable eyes.

"I do like Girlfriend Raven's legs!" Starfire claps her hands energetically. She's probably the only one out of us who isn't running on fumes. I cover my face with my hands comedically, blushing unintentionally.

"You're not supposed to say that out loud..." All three boys roar with laughter around us, and I seriously consider locking myself in our room for the rest of the trip.

"But Girlfriend Raven, they've been talking about Robin's 'fancy legs,' and I thought it fair!"

"It's not like that, Star." I pinch the bridge of my nose again, nudging Robin's head with my knee in a pointless attempt to get him to stop laughing. She's so sweet, but I don't think she really understands.

"Why not? I do find your legs attractive!" My eyes start to glow red with embarrassment for the first time this trip, with just a hint of anger, and the boys try to stifle the laughing by biting their lips; failing miserably.

"Just… Just forget it, Star."

"My legs are still better than yours." Robin manages.

"Shut up."

"No.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"ROBIN!"

"RAVEN!"

"DICK GRAYSON!"

"RACHEL ROTH!" I throw a pillow, realizing how pointless this is. I'm actually enjoying myself.

"RICHARD JOHN GRAYSON!"

"RACHEL RAAAAVEN ROOOOOTH!"

"_SHUT THE HELL UP!" _Beast Boy yells, choking down laughter. I feel like my guts are going to spill out of my mouth due to how hard I'm laughing, Cyborg's chest heaves as he chuckles, Robin laughs hysterically as well, and Starfire sits there confused.

Oh, my naive little gem.

"Why don't you two girls play? I'm gettin' tired." Cyborg yawns, handing over a remote. I encase it in black energy, shoving it back to him.

"No way in hell."

"Please, what is this 'hell' you speak of?" Starfire asks with genuine curiosity. Beast Boy smirks.

"Later, Starfire. And Beast Boy, wipe that stupid look off your face." I lean back informally on the couch, nuzzling into the point where the cushions meet in an attempt to make this more bearable.

"Just play the damned game! You might actually like it, you know!" Beast Boy half-shouts. I am _not _playing video games to amuse my friends.

"No! I said no!" Starfire sits neatly, waiting for us to finish, staring at her lap sadly. "Star, it's fine. We're just joking. Beast Boy, look! You're making her upset!"

"Then just play the freaking game!" Again, those eyes stare at me in response to Beast Boy's command, and I take the remote harshly out of his hand, leaving him smiling sheepishly.

"Screw you."

"Don't say that to my boy!" Robin jokes.

"Shut it, Fancy Legs."

"Are we not going to play the video game, Girlfriend Raven?" Alright, now she's got me in my show-off mode. I sit up, leaning my elbows on my knees and staring intently at the screen. I've got the instructions now.

"Hit play."

The boys whoop and holler, enough to make the rooms within a 20-foot radius of our hotel suite all wake up. I hush them, moving this avatar around the screen, preparing to attack Starfire's.

She puts up a hell of a defense at first, and I question why she's so good already. I didn't think that she would pick up on it so quickly. I press the buttons with fervor, focusing over the boys' cheering, slicing my sword around, missing Starfire, but still dodging her attacks.

The cheering gets louder as our health starts depleting, and our attacks get shoddier, sweat forming on my brow due to the heat of being around all of these idiots, and also my intense concentration. Starfire has a lead on me.

I let out a final few attacks before she defeats me, gazing over at me teasingly while I sit there in shock, the boys screaming now. They're in just as much shock as I am, it seems.

"Rematch."

She hits play again, and I lose again. The yelling gets louder. This takes place until everyone is sure that I'm going to lose every single time.

"I've gotta hit the hay, y'all. We all should if we want to be energized my tomorrow." The other boys shuffle, leaving an intent Starfire and I alone on the couch. Robin winks at me before he rounds the corner, moving into his room. What was that for?

"G'night!" Beast Boy's half-awake voice says, and I just mumble in response, needing to defeat Starfire in this game before I do anything else.

More games. More. And more. And more. I lose them all, and I start to get frustrated. Eventually, I just turn off the game, turning toward a smirking Starfire.

"Why are you so good at this game?"

"The boys taught me while you were gone with Robin!" She sticks out her long-ish tongue, flipping it tauntingly.

"That's not fair. How was I supposed to win?" I throw the remote to the side, crawling to the redhead across the couch. "Huh?"

"I guess you just can't win, then." She grips my chin softly, pulling my face closer to hers, squinting her eyes seductively.

"I can win at some things, you know." She lifts an eyebrow.

"Oh?" I brush my lips against hers, testing her, and straddling her waist.

"Just let me show you." I lean in the rest of the way, kissing her slowly and softly, letting our tongues swirl against one another in synchronization. I can feel my arousal increasing; sweat on my forehead for all different reasons.

Whoa, I'm not nervous anymore. I feel completely at ease… No flashbacks? This is new!

She wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me in deeper, pressing up against her harder, and she starts to unzip my leotard from the back. I toy with the hem of her shirt, and then I realize that it would be tragic if someone walked in.

"Um, in our… room?" I manage between kisses.

"Yes." She scoops me up bridal style, carrying me to our room, pushing open the door, as it wasn't closed, and she sets me on my bed softly, pulling me up into her lap.

I smile at her devilishly, to which her eyes widen and pupils dilate, a small grin of her own blooming up her rosy cheeks. I lean in again, resuming previous activity, and before we know it, we're clothed in only our undergarments.

I push her shoulders down gently, lowering her to the bed, and start to kiss down her jawline, moving to her neck, and I position myself so that my stomach presses in between her legs. She whines whenever I shift around, and I eventually put my hands to use, raking gently up her sides.

Pale hands find supple skin, kneading and tugging and tweaking occasionally, eliciting sighs and gasps from parted red lips, and her hands gravitate toward the small of my back, holding me steadily. No dialogue, yet unspoken words are constantly revealed through our actions.

Feathery kisses are planted all down Starfire's stomach, a fire erupting at her center. Her underwear is discarded, and I trace my fingertips along the inside of her thighs, coming dangerously closer to _that spot_ every time. I lay on my stomach, getting better access, and look intently into her eyes before my finger ends up inside of her, pumping in and out slowly.

"Ah- R-raven, yes…" I speed up, my movements becoming quicker and more powerful, but still soft and adaptable. I nip at her thighs lightly, taking my time and being in control. She grips my hair, lightly tugging me closer to her. I comply, removing my fingers so that I can lick thick stripes along her. "G-good girl…"

She rocks into me, biting the meat on the side of her hand to smother her sounds. Her mewls get louder, her movements get jerkier, and I circle her with my tongue, deciding that I can't leave anything important unoccupied. "Mmm, g-good…" I slip in two fingers.

"AH!.. X'hal..." She cries out softly, her voice raspy and needing. Her body shudders, light sweat dotting her flawless skin, blush blooming throughout her body like roses. Tripping eyes, parted lips, erratic heartbeat, hands gripping tightly around purple streaks of hair... so as not to fall of the edge of the earth, the sheer ecstasy of this sensory input beautifully overwhelming.

A delicious moan flows out of her mouth, chest heaving, and I rub her down from the aftermath, her heartbeat flowing through me, invigorating every intimate nerve in my body.

She flips us, removing my bra and underpants, and tugs at my hips, pulling me closer, closer, closer to her, our lips converging to pass more time. Hands drift to my chest, tugging and plucking at my nipples, mouth leaving mine in order to nibble at my earlobe. The kneading becomes rougher, influencing more desire.

"Starfire, please…" Those eyes find me again. My blood simmers, this want needing to be satisfied, her loving actions bringing me dangerously closer to a boil.

Her finger finds a nerve cluster at my center, circling me, and I only allow small sounds to escape, as if I'm desperately trying to keep a secret. With both hands occupied, she puts her lips to work, enveloping a dark nipple, and I grit my teeth. She suckles, occasionally grazing her teeth gently over the tip, and I have to put every fiber of my being into making sure I don't cause this entire hotel to obliterate.

Her mouth leaves my breast, traveling downward, eyes locked on mine in the most alluring way. She even looks at me when her tongue swipes at me, testing her waters before focusing almost entirely on that one nerve cluster that's going to make me go insane.

"Star… _fire…_" My breath hitches, my hips rolling into her, eyes partly lidded. Her fingers twist, and I shudder, violently bucking my hips as she rubs me down.

My eyes close completely, allowing me to only see constellations constructed of capillaries and palpitating blood vessels, threatening supernovas. Nothing exists in this world except for my Starfire, myself, and anatomical bliss.

Anxieties hushed by loving words, fears deleted by _her arms_ wrapping me up, ensuring safety and protection from my past. I can let her love me.

"W-who… Won?" Her voice is fatigued, airy and soft, and I shudder at her breath on my neck.

"I'd say… it's a tie."

The stars align, and I allow them to help me relax, the most important of the stellar arrangement whispering softly into my ear.

"I love you."

_Starfire..._


	12. Chapter 12- Infuse

We're back at the tower. Needless to say, after being away for about a month, we have absolutely no good food left in the refrigerator, so the boys ran out together. I can just imagine them arguing throughout the entirety of the grocery store about what food to get, out of place, as we all usually are.

Out of place. It seems that we don't necessarily belong to one place. Wherever we go, we're never in the right place, being surrounded by other beings so incredibly antithetical to us. Where, exactly, do we fit in?

Well, as for right now, in the tower, just Starfire and me. She's watching cartoons on the television, elaborately sprawled out on the couch in our living room, head propped up by her hand. She seems unusually solemn, straight-faced and unreactive to the jokes on the TV. She's most likely tired. It's only been a day since we've been back, after all, so we're all likely jet lagged again.

I'm in the kitchen, boiling a kettle of water for some tea. It seems that my diet consists heavily of tea, like I'm some sort of leaf juice fetishist. However, with my eccentricity, that wouldn't be entirely out of the ordinary. I mean, weird junk happens. Two months ago, I was positive that I was straight, I was single, and had no interest in dating anyone. Now, I have a girlfriend, am positive that I could never be comfortable with a male, and I've already had sex with her.

Sometimes I stop and wonder if things are moving too quickly. Maybe it's mediocre teenaged romance, and I'm in way over my head with this girl, having only known about my feelings for her for about a month. Maybe I'm just deluded by the prospect of having someone protect me from my past to the point of blind attraction. I consider this, pouring boiling water into my mug on top of a tea bag, tugging at the string to infuse.

I've known Starfire for years. We've gradually built up trust for one another subconsciously, being that for my entire time living in this tower, she was the only one allowed in my room. Although I didn't particularly enjoy it, I'd always be ready to give her advice and explain earth customs to her, no matter how sexual or awkward they were, and she'd pay me back; whether it was her sickeningly sweet kindness or her protection over me in battle.

Was I just never aware that there was a different sort of tension between us? Looking back, it makes sense. I'd always hang out with the boys if it came to stuff like that. I just got along better with them. I never felt any sort of attraction to any of the three, and I'd stay clear of Starfire- unless she needed help, of course. But is that what all of the nervousness was when talking to her? Was it really a dormant attraction? Only realized when I'd admitted everything to myself? It all makes sense now.

But the question persists; is this too quick? I sit down at the kitchen table, sipping my tea as I look at her, observing her from the couch. From her angle, she can't tell I'm doing this. I'm getting sort of anxious thinking about this. Did I make any bad decisions? Am I going to regret all of this when I'm older, only to leave myself to cope with PTSD, rape, _and_ losing her?

Her right foot dangles slightly off of the couch, moving in circles as she lays there in her boredom. Her beautiful red locks of hair cover the cushions in a silky carpet, outlining her svelte form, naturally drawing your eyes in to the curve of her back, expanding and retracting with her breathing.

This is the girl that has always been a reliable friend, teammate, partner- whatever you'd like to call it. Now she's my girlfriend, taking me through all of this mess, helping me just as much as I'd promised I'd help her, without even my expectation of her doing so. She's literally alleviated most of my PTSD. She has absolutely no idea what my past really like, in detail, and I don't know hers, but we're both understanding that something was fucked up, and our only determination is to make one another never worry.

Now, not only is this a strong romantic bond, but we're essentially dedicated to one another.

I don't have any regrets. Even if all of this wasn't deeply romantic, she's still Starfire, I'm still Raven, and being the people we are, abandoning each other would be equivalent to redoing both of our pasts and not being there to help each other through it.

I can't help but think of all that's happened to me. I would have never thought that such experiences could be so traumatizing. For months, I couldn't sleep without checking to make sure that every single entryway to the tower was locked at least three times. I couldn't sleep without being fully clothed and bundled in the covers, and no matter how hot I got, I would not take any clothing off, or any sheets. In fact, I couldn't look at my body unclothed without feeling completely repulsed, and I don't think that anyone ever noticed how deeply touching me affected my mind.

Any touch from anyone was like sparking the memories in my mind. They would joke, unaware that the reason I reacted so angry was because I'd been hurt like that. I was violated so severely that someone doing as much as tapping my shoulder would send me into a sheer panic, covered by my deadpan expression and voice. I understood that they wouldn't get why I was so incredibly insecure, but it still hurt me.

Beast Boy, of course, knew what had happened to me. In the hospital, I told him, and he swore on his life that he would tell nobody of it unless my life was in danger. He deserved to know why his own friend tried to kill herself. I wanted to make sure he knew it wasn't him, and that none of that was on his conscience, because he cared about me immeasurably. That's when I decided I wanted to live with everything I had left, to preserve his sanity, and everyone else's.

The suicide attempt was kept secret. The stress that would be triggered, had I needed to explain it to the others, was too much for me to bear at the moment. At that time, I wasn't even sure I'd make it. The internal damage was unanalyzed, but we knew that stuff was screwed up because of all of the pills. My blood was going insane with the amount of chemicals, my throat burned for weeks after the burning of vomit and pills I'd endured for days, even after my stomach was pumped. It's easier to think about it now that it's been a few months, but the imagery is still clear in my mind, as if I'm reliving the horror every day of my life.

"_I heard you ate dinner all by yourself today, Rae. That's pretty great, eh?" He lies on a smaller bed beside mine, his voice soft and cautious. I feel incredibly weak. There are at least three bags of unidentifiable liquids hanging by an odd rolling fixture, all connected to tubes, connected to needles, connected to my arm. My mouth feels dry. My body feels extremely cold, despite the blankets, the coolness of the fluids from the bags mixing with the blood running through my veins._

"_I'm proud of you. I know this isn't easy, Raven, but you are a strong girl. Stronger than anyone I've ever met." He talks to me, staring up at the ceiling. My brain takes awhile to register my his voice, process the sentences and understand the combinations of words, but when I do, it's powerful. It's like something so simplistic is crazy to me, the complexity of living being astonishing. My brain struggles to allow me to speak. I can think of words, sentences, conversations; but they only come out as chokes whimpers._

"_I don't want anything more than for you to stay with us. Your friends- Victor, Richard, Koriand'r… We all love you more than anything." Tears start to form in my eyes, resting dangerously on the edge, threatening to spill. I turn my head to him and see that he's crying, too. It's hard to see your friend in this state. I'd barely survive seeing anyone I love like this, barely recognizable and fragile, catatonic on a hospital bed. He sniffles._

"_Please, live with us. We can drink as much tea as you want. Every day. I can take you places, we can do things together, we can take this on together." I breathe shallowly, inhaling the scent of cleaning products and fresh plastic, my tears wetting the blankets under me._

"_I know I might not ever understand how terrible things were for you, but I know that we're going to fix this. We can build you back. Brick by brick." I try to smile, painfully attempting to lift up one corner of my mouth. I can't really do that quite yet, but Beast Boy seems optimistic at my attempt, knowing that the stupor isn't keeping me from feeling emotion._

"_We'll fix this."_

The anxiety is overwhelming. I find myself with my cup of tea by the counter, digging through the cabinets of our tower's kitchen, probing for my bottle of anxiety pills. I haven't taken these in awhile. It causes me to panic.

I take the bottle, fumbling with the cap, and dump a handful onto my palm, eyeing them and grimacing as if I'm looking at pictures of a murder investigation.

What if I took all of these, right now? I could if I wanted to. If I wanted, I could throw these pills down my mouth, burning my throat like they did that one night. I could take everyone's pills again and not have to go through this PTSD anymore. I could take myself away from this cruel world and never look back again.

I look at these white beads, swimming over one another as my hand moves, looking intently at Starfire on the couch as I dump them back in, leaving only one. I put the cap back on the bottle, taking the one pill with my tea, an overwhelming feeling taking over me as I use my own control and put the rest of the pills back in the cabinet, closing the door.

"Hey, Starfire?" She looks up at me from the television, suddenly alert and excited at my voice.

"Yes, Girlfriend Raven?" She sits up, giving me her full, undivided attention.

"I need you to come with me somewhere," I deadpan.

"Ooh, like a date?" She claps her hands together excitedly. I lean up against the counter, setting my tea mug down and crossing my arms.

"No, Star." She becomes suddenly serious, more than I've ever seen her, and probably slightly shocked.

"Where, then? I would be happy to take you anywhere."

..."_We'll fix this."_

"The Jump City Prison."

She nods, and I bite my lip.


End file.
